Er Indoors Goes To The Shops

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

Yesterday I went to the Nespresso shop. I'm sure you've seen how boutique-y their stores are, it's one of those places where they want to give you a "customer experience". By which I mean, w@nk on at you until you buy a bagful of overpriced stuff you didn't want.

I tried to short-cut this chat by showing the man in Nespresso a pixt that Er Indoors sent me of the Pixie pods that she likes. "These are what I want. Nothing else. Just these. No chat." Is what I hoped to convey. It didn't work.

Instead, the bloke tried to give me the hard sell on chocolates for Er Indoors on Valentine's day. I told him no, she was on a diet and I would just get in trouble. This is, strictly speaking, the truth, but also back off Nespresso Monkey with your overpriced choccies.

This sort of thing doesn't happen to me often. But Er Indoors gets it everywhere she goes. It is the hair and the makeup and the handbags and the shoes. Assistants see her and think, "Commission!" Ordinarily she loves it, but today she was at the Aesop shop she got caught by a "close-talker".

"He came sidling up to me," said Er Indoors, "and talked at me from about one inch away." 

It turns out it went like this:

ASSISTANT: Oh, I see you're looking at our new hydrating masque, s'fabulous, fabulous.
ER: Yes, but I'm not really interested. I have my own skin-care regime.
ASSISTANT: Oh yes. I quite understand. Would you like to look at our "Perception" body range, s'fabulous, amazing, I use it myself. All over my body. Keeps me very supple. 
ER: No thank you. I was looking for your "Poo Drops", they're great.
ASSISTANT: Oh I KNOW. They're fabulous aren't they? I can't WAIT to get home and poo these days. Unfortunately, we don't have those in this store. They'll be in our new branch when it opens.
ER: Oh, that's too bad. My husband has issues*.
ASSISTANT: How about some of our room-spray? This one has floral notes, geranium and lavender.  
ER: Floral notes. Oh no. How about something in your "forest" range?
ASSISTANT: Oh yes, you'll love this one, it has waves of cedar, green tea and jojoba. It's very green. Green. (Wafting). Green. Can you smell the green?
ER: I can smell the green.
ASSISTANT: But you can't have that for the bedroom. You need something "aromatique" for your bedroom - frankincense or something "woody". Then you'll need a touch of the bazaar for the living room. Something with a touch of spice. I love spice. I have it in my living room. Very spicy. S'fabulous.
ER: Could I have your bedroom for my bathroom and your living room in my kitchen?
ASSISTANT: Ohhhh... Great choices. Fabulous.

So Er Indoors came home today with a bag full of scented products. And because I forgot to tell her that I'd visited Nespresso yesterday, she went in there herself today. AND she showed the SAME man the SAME pixt of the Pixie pods. 

"I've seen that picture before," he said. "There was a man in here yesterday and I tried to sell him some chocolates for you. And you know what? He REFUSED to get you any."

What a cheek! Bloody dobbing me in!

Fortunately, she agreed that I did the right thing. She wants to stick to her diet as she has a class reunion coming up in March. So instead of a telling-off I got a reward!

Yes, she flounced in today with a box of Valentine's Day Nespresso chocolates for ME. I could feel guilty about this, but they just taste TOO nice. They have raspberry in them. And I'm getting notes of toffee. Toffee. Are you picking up on the toffee? S'fabulous.

S.

* This is SUCH a lie. She is way worse than me. But I must admit I do love the Poo Drops. Literally AS SOON AS you've dropped them in the khazi you are enveloped in a CITRUS KISS and the smell of bums is BANISHED. Seriously, you need them in your life.