It's Christmas, But Not As We Know It

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

Yesterday I did it. I put on my Christmas iPod mix. I love it. It includes "Christmas Trumpets" which is the best 1970's sitcom sounding Christmas music ever. 

I listen to it and imagine I am Terry Scott out buying a present for June Whitfield. Or possibly I am wearing saucy suspenders and being chased by Benny Hill dressed as a rude Santa.

Let's not dwell on that image.

But it didn't really work this year. It's too sunny and nice to be Xmas. And the adverts on the telly aren't full of people dancing around in the snow. Instead the Kiwis are all like, "It's Summer! Yay!"

Which is very nice. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to complain. But "In The Summertime" by Mungo Jerry is NOT a Christmas song. And it is on every effing advert break. EVERY ONE.

Inspired by the Princess's trip to Jenners, I decided to visit a department store. David Jones, in the centre of Wellington's CBD, is a high-end posh shop with their own Santa and everything. It's a bit like John Lewis and John Lewis is the most Christmassy store in the world, right? This should work, right?

Welllllllll.... not really. Check out the Xmas decorations. A koala? Really?

So I left David Jones a little disappointed. And trudged home through the stupid beautiful sunshine listening to the stupid lovely birds singing in the trees, past annoying blooming flowers and sodding happy families playing cricket and laughing.

It was RUBBISH.

But then I got home and found a lovely parcel had arrived from Scotland. I am not going to open it. I am going to shake it and sniff it and touch it and imagine what is in it. And then NOT OPEN IT UNTIL XMAS.

And so I failed to find Christmas in the most Christmassy place I could think of, only to find it was waiting at home for me ALL THE TIME.

Good lord, I think I just wrote the script of a Hallmark holiday film. I wonder if we could get 1970's Erik Estrada to play me? Or 1970's Patrick Duffy?

Terry Scott?

S.