Today...

...was the very last Xmas party.
A lot of lipreading and stuff to try and follow.
K realised I was struggling and kept mouthing stuff that was being said for me. She is very easy to lipread...she is Scots.
Do you say Scottish or Scots about a person? Too tired to look it up.
Will catch up tomorrow...I know, I said that yesterday. But I just have to go to sleep now...
Night...

This hearing lark is not all that it is made out to be. At this current moment I very much doubt the wisdom of giving an older person that has been profoundly deaf from birth (me) a cochlear implant. It’s been about 8 years now, and with two drastic remappings this year. My brain can’t cope. It is like a constant battle up there for the supremacy of the neural pathways. Brain is constantly overloaded trying to make sense of this cacophony of incoming sound. I am so completely and utterly exhausted when I come in from being out. I just am unable to do anything. This isn’t life. I am so weary.

I cannot do creativity with the speech processor on, I have to take it off. I don’t get silence though, just screaming tinnitus noises, but I have always had that. I miss doing writing my poetry,

I miss other creative stuff I did. I cannot do it all the way I did pre cochlear implant. I cannot be creative in writing or art with hearing input at the same time. All my life I have been creative without this hearing input. Hearing input interferes with creativity for me.

It is not as though it is, hey we’ll give you a cochlear implant and you can now miraculously hear. It is not an internal switch that is flicked to make a profoundly deaf person now hear all words being said. It doesn’t work like that. At best for me I get more noise input of every noise in the environment as well as speech, than before, and then Brain has to constantly work extremely hard to figure out what the noises are, alongside with my lipreading, all possible combinations what could have been said. Brain is tired. I am tired.