Frank James' Gun.

He stops me in a back street in Jefferson, asks:
" Do you want to live?"
He pulls a Schofield pistol, says:
"Now it's time to give."

I ask: "What good would I be to anyone
as soon as I was dead?"
He says, "A Vulture hovers in the air
above each one of us, it's said."

I reply: "That frail and rusty weapon
is a useless piece of junk.
You'll never kill anyone with that.
And what is more, you're drunk."

He says: "This gun was Frank James' gun.
It's an evil chunk of metal.
It'll blow you so far apart
your bits'll never settle."

And so he pulls the trigger
and I arrive in Limbo, Heaven's Gate.
Maybe I should've negotiated more.
Seems I've left it much too late.

Limbo is full of Lawyers
each arguing for a reprieve.
One approaches me with shark white smile.
He says: "Hi. My name is Steve."

I say: "Someone shot me in the head.
I had no chance to run.
I never found out who he was
but he used Frank James' gun."

He says: "I'm Frank James' lawyer.
We regret you've been inconvenienced by his pistol.
But Frank cannot be held in any way responsible.
I want to make that clear and crystal."

I say: "Why are you here anyway?
I thought Lawyers went straight to Hell."
He says: "I'm here for Frank's nine hundredth appeal.
And of course Frank is here as well."

Behind Lawyer Steve stands a gloomy figure
who says: "Don't mistake me for my brother
or I'll cut you off quicker than any gun.
My name is Frank James, not any other."

Frank says: "Hell is so full of lawyers
they've had to build a special annex.
They've overworked and stressed the Devil so much
he's been signed off sick with the Anxious Panics."

"I regret that you got shot in the head.
In my experience that's frequently the finish.
I've not killed anyone for a hundred years.
With age (and death), these tendencies diminish."

He says: "Those times I lived in
were cruel and relentlessly hard.
But I never thought I'd go to Hell forever.
I just thought I'd get a yellow card

"It may be that I'm a bad man.
Maybe I did wrong.
Maybe I deserve punishment.
But surely Eternity is far too long."

"How is it that God can say
there is only wrong or right,
when she herself made the graduations between
the darkness and the light?"

"Hold on there, Frank," says Lawyer Steve.
"I'm the one that does the talking.
I can make you seem so obviously innocent
that anything but an acquittal would be shocking."

"I've out-argued the Devil himself.
And I'm warning God that's she's the next.
Why she hasn't realized it's time to retire
has left me completely and utterly perplexed."

"Her systems of good and evil
never served my clients well.
Surely more rich people should get into Heaven
and make more room for the poor in Hell?"

"And why shouldn't we take our money with us?
We should make that ban obsolete.
No point in building up a huge bank balance
then spending Eternity wrapped in a sheet."

Then along comes the Archangel Michael.
He says: "Let us all be clear.
God's the one who made all Heaven and Earth.
Without her nothing would be here."

"Where is her evidence?" says Lawyer Steve.
"The documentation? The title deeds?
Seems to me that she's too old to know
what a modern property owner needs."

"It doesn't work that way after death," says Mike.
"Here are different rules.
Forget everything that you learnt in life
or at those Lawyer's schools."

It was then that they heard the voice of God
speaking soft and low
in a beautiful Geordie accent
but huskily, like Marilyn Monroe.

She says: "When you're dead it's way too late.
And as they so often say in Nairn,
you had your chance when you were alive.
Now it's far too late to learn."

"Too late to hear the music.
The last train long since gone.
The bride long left the alter.
The boat sailed and you're not on."

"And you." God says straightaway to me.
"I hear you were shot in the street.
That accident makes no difference to
your pretty dire balance sheet."

"You were a self righteous pain while there on earth:
Consumed by self regard.
But you never directly tried to do any harm
so 'Straight to Hell' might be a bit hard."

"But there's no place for the humorless in Heaven.
Eternity should be a laugh
with lots of good dancing music,
and lots of songs by Edith Piaf."

"But be warned, if you do get to Heaven,
you will be sure to get a huge shock
to see all the folk who have been invited inside.
And even more not see those who were not."

Moral of this story:

"So say hullo, Still-alive Folk, as you wander about,
to Crows and Dogs, they'll maybe follow you home,
and cost you a fortune in Vet's bills and pet food.
But that's a small price for not dying alone."