I've been all over the mood spectrum the past month or so.  The truth is, I've tried some days to be upbeat but even the day I should have been the happiest (and I claimed I was), my 2500th blip, I was miserable.

Life has been cruel to me the last couple of years.  The past few months have been especially physically and emotionally challenging.  I mentioned a small rejection last week, but it has been more than just one incident.

It's really very difficult for me to fit in when I'm in social situations.  I've been trying so freaking hard, trying to develop the skills which seem to come so naturally to most people.  It's not shyness.  Having a mental illness sucks.  It has ruined my life.  Literally. I lost my career at the age of 48, a career I loved - and when I wasn't  hospitalized (25+ times within seven years), I was great at it.

Early on, I lost friendships I had since middle school.  I became an alcoholic and a prescription drug abuser.  The good news is that I have been dry since 1984, and after suffering an overdose of Xanax, went through a month of rehab in 1989.

Things really started to go south for me in May when someone took my seat at a picnic and I had to sit at a table by myself. Those were the people with whom I worshiped.  I haven't been back to church since.

Since then, I've been rejected every time I've tried to volunteer or help folks in different organizations. I went to dinner with a group from the Singles Club, a club I helped found 8 years ago, and no one, not a single person sat with me.  I left in tears.

Just today, I had five  meltdowns, including two panic attacks, all in public. It's embarrassing.  There's a limit to the number of times you can extend apologies to people. People give up on you.  I have been in the mental health system for forty of my 63 years, only properly diagnosed for the past twenty. I've burned more bridges than I can count.

I feel like a broken human being, defective.  Given a brain over which I have little control. Right now, tonight, I'm unraveling.  If it didn't mean abandoning my helpless mom...

I probably shouldn't have even written this stuff.  It isn't intended as a pity post, possibly just a way to help me sleep tonight.

Glad this sunset, for which I stopped my car and shot with my phone, made me smile for a few short minutes.