That Girl

Not really, but a very long lie-in helped :-)

I had a nice bath and got ready, the sun was shining which was nice after the gloom of yesterday. 

In the afternoon I went to Guildford for a bit of a browse. Whilst I walked around, (in M&S, looking for tights!) I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I wear my hair down at the weekends, and then tie it up for school all week, so I've become more aware of the two very different sides of myself. The real one reserved for the weekends, and the school persona of clothes I don't really want to wear but should, hair tied up etc. 

And I stopped and looked in the mirror for a little bit at that girl. And I wondered why she hates herself so much? Why can't she seem to be happy? Why is she so different from everybody else, and why is what everybody else has so unattainable? When I looked at her, I wanted her to be happy, and I thought that if I saw her in the street, I wouldn't feel sorry for her at all. It's a shame she always feels sorry for herself, and terrified of where she's heading in this life...

A few little things have pricked me this weekend; when sister number two was over when I got home from work, we were sitting, the three of us, chatting and stroking the dog, when my dad came in and said to her " I feel sorry for your kid". "What?" she replied. "Having four horrible aunties and no uncles"......

And then this evening I FaceTimed her for a quick chat, and so she could see poor B pacing about whilst hearing fireworks, and the brother-in-law was on the sofa in the background. At the end of the conversation he made a snide little comment about how I have a house to live in and why aren't I living there..... I made a quick quip about how he may well want to rent it from me in the not too distant future when the new occupant of his house arrives (crying baby!). But whilst I made a joke it really pissed me off. My sister told me a while back that she was attracted to him because he was mean to people....That says it all really. 

I'm definitely not attracted to rude, mean people. T is one of the kindest and most genuine people I've ever met. 

Anyways. I'm having one of those wobbly weekends. I really hate going to work and it's become more and more of a chore just to get through the day. I feel trapped in the job, and by the limitations that have been put on me by other people. They say most people's biggest disabling factor is themselves in their head, but it can also be from the people closest to you. 

On Friday S came into school for a visit. I hadn't seen her since her last day in July, and it was so good to see her. She looked really well, and is loving her new job. It suits her, and in her own words "I've got my life back". And I felt all optimistic and positive and excited to change. But then the naysayers jumped in and reminded me that I'm trapped. Is it any wonder that sometimes I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker that can't even find the time or energy to explode? 

I keep deliberating about my trip to San Diego. I want to book it, but I'm a little bit terrified of spending so much money. But we never know how long we have left on this earth, and I don't want to have regrets and wish I did the things I'm wishing I could. So I think I'm going to just bite the bullet and do it, and worry about the rest later. 

The picture bares no resemblance to what I've written about, but they looked very nice in the Wine bar window ;-)