Nobody Likes A Pooer

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess,

I hared across town today to pick up a present for my nephew, The Nipper. Thus marking the start of Christmas shopping.

No, don’t hate me. This wasn’t proper Christmas shopping. This was TOY shopping. I love shopping for toys. It is much more fun that proper adult present shopping. I think it is because when you give an adult a present, they are not so bothered. “Oh yay! A book,” they say, making a mental note to file it on a bookshelf somewhere out of sight. But kids get SOOO excited when they get presents.

The bestest present I ever got was called “The VertiBird”. It was a helicopter attached to a spinning base via a stick. And when you pushed the levers, the rotors spun and it TOOK OFF. AND FLEW. LIKE A PROPER HELICOPTER. OFF THE TELLY.

I remember my mum demonstrating to me that – with concentration and patience – you could make it hover and pick things up by deploying the hook. But that required concentration and patience so eff that. I just liked to make it go around and around and around and AROUND.

WHOOOSH!

Like that.

But bestest ever presents have a downside. I discovered this when Kevin Gamble came round to play one time. We weren’t friends, exactly. But we had things in common. We both went to the same school. We were both six. Neither of us was a girl. When you’re a six-year-old boy, that’s reason enough to socialise.

But he became OBSESSED with the VertiBird. I couldn’t get rid of him. He would follow me home EVERY NIGHT to play. And he would shove me out of the way and DOMINATE it.

I came to realise he didn't WANT to be friends. He just wanted to play with my little chopper!

Worse, my mum would REWARD this outrageous behaviour by giving him beans on toast. And chocolate biscuits.

CHOCOLATE BISCUITS!

This. Will. Not. Stand.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he shat himself at school. I remember it vividly. The sudden SQUELCH. Then, the horrified circle of children, backing away from him. Rippling away in terror, in case poopants was a contagious disease. You can’t be sure about things like that.

I really wasn’t comfortable with him in my bedroom after that episode. Even if my mum had put down newspaper, I still would have been unhappy. So I told him the VertiBird was broken.

He asked for PROOF! Like he thought I was LYING. How INSULTING.

I can’t remember how I got rid of him in the end. I think he just took the hint and went away to mooch off some other kid. Of course, toys being toys, it really did break shortly afterward. Cat hair got in the spring mechanism and that was the end of that. I pretended it could still fly for a while by holding it in my hand while making “whoosh” noises, but it just wasn’t the same.

But eventually I moved on. My new bestest ever present was “Alley Cats” ("the purr-fect game of cat-astrophe"). Fortunately, Kevin Gamble didn’t like board games. We were safe from potential mop and bucket scenarios.

I really hope The Nipper loves this toy as much as I loved The VertiBird. It has cars that you race on a track using your mobile phone. They go around and around and around and AROUND.

WHOOOSH!

Like that.

I think his parents will love it too. My only worry is that they are VERY competitive people and The Nipper will get no mercy (“Stop that crying! It’s the only way you’ll learn!”). But hopefully the whole family will be into it. And if anyone sh*ts themselves they will be barred. BARRED from the game.

I have very few standards. But I adhere to that one religiously. Nobody likes a pooer.

S.