Tale of the Unexpected

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

It’s that time of year again, when I get the urge to watch Hammer Horror films and Universal Monster Movies. “They think me MAD? Fools! I shall DESTROY them all! Ahahahahahaaa!!”

Like that.

Even Er Indoors is getting in on the act this year. She asked me to find a show called The Lowe Files which is a reality show about Rob Lowe and his two sons travelling America in search of SPOOKINESS.

Er Indoors thought it was going to be a bit Scooby Doo. A bit of a laugh. And it was – at first. Then it went all “Paranormal Activity” and she got seriously spooked. No amount of me patronisingly telling her, “Oh it’s all STAGED!” and “You don’t BELIEVE that POPPYCOCK do you???” and “Oh I SAY what NONSENSE!” would shake her out of it.

Honestly. It is like she thinks I am full of s*** or something.

So we had to stay up late so I could calm her down with old episodes of “Frasier”.

DAMN YOU ROB LOWE. YOU AND YOUR ADORABLE DIMPLES.

Oh, I can’t stay mad at him for long.

So “The Lowe Files” is now banned from the house. Fortunately, one of my favourite podcasts has been also turned into a tv show. No, not "The Secret History of Hollywood" although seriously people you MUST try listening to this.

I don't want to nag you or anything but YES I DO. THIS IS ME NAGGING.

Do yourself a favour and click on this link and listen to the "Bullets & Blood" episodes. Trust me on this. I laughed, I cried. It was amazing.

But I digress. The podcast in question here is "Lore". It concerns true-ish tales of the macabre. Some of which really are true, like the story of Burke & Hare. Some are a bit more fanciful like the tale of Greyfriars Kirkyard (the narrator is American but LOVES telling stories about spooky old Edinburgh).

Whether true or not, the stories are wonderfully atmospheric and perfect for this time of year when the nights are drawing in and the leaves are turning unless you are ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE EFFING PLANET in which case Halloween is ALL MESSED UP.

Stupid Southern Hemisphere.

"Lore" is narrated by Aaron Mahnke. A man with the gift for... meangingful pauses... and also for starting to raise the cadence of his voice as if building to a happy ending (meaningful pause) only to... lower it again. His sentences never end happily. Never let this man host a kid's party. Or a spin class.

I have a favourite "Lore" story which has a ring of embellishment to it, but is probably 90% true. That's more than most political speeches and episodes of "Behind The Music" so I shall share it with you. Are you ready for this? I don't think you are. Turn out all the lights. Light a candle. Hum the theme to "Tales of the Unexpected" to yourself. And I'll tell you the cruelly ironic story of...

The Smalls Lighthouse

(WARNING: This story really actually IS a bit grim I’m not kidding you’ve been warned)

The Smalls Lighthouse was located off the coast of Pembrokeshire. But it wasn't a lighthouse as we'd recognise it. Constructed in the 18th century, it was incredibly cramped, and basically could be described as an iron-framed treehouse riveted onto a small outcrop of bare rock.

It was manned by two keepers, and had a gangway around the outside so the keepers could step outside or signal for help. The keepers often got into trouble due to the severity of the conditions, and boatmen would come by occasionally to check on them, stopping off to leave supplies or otherwise render aid.

In 1775, the two keepers were named Thomas Howell and Thomas Griffiths. And as if their confinement wasn't bad enough, the two men were known to dislike each other and could frequently be heard in the local tavern having violent arguments. It was during their time together on the lighthouse when tragedy struck.

Griffiths became suddenly unwell and died, leaving Howell on his own. But here was the problem; what to do with the body? Howell was afraid to merely pitch Griffiths into the sea, fearing that the locals would whisper bloody murder had been done against his old enemy. Suspicion alone could send him to the gallows.

However, the thought of keeping a rotting corpse in the small cabin with him was even more disturbing. After some internal debate, Howell came up with a solution. He fashioned a makeshift coffin from the furniture available and lashed it together with rope. He then pushed Howell, now respectably confined, out onto the gangway and went to bed. A violent storm raged outside, but Howell was convinced his handiwork would hold.

However, the harsh winds and rough seas made short work of the DIY coffin. Howell awoke the next day, horrified to discover that the waves had done away with his coffin, but the ropes had become entangled around Griffiths, pulling him into an upright position on the gangway.

Worse, one of the dead man's arms was bound up in the rope in a raised position. He waved at Howell through the window like a broken puppet. Fear gripped poor Howell. He daren’t even step outside to untangle the corpse of Griffiths.
 
Decomposition came slowly in the cold wind, but seagulls played their part and Howell was forced to watch in abject terror as the grinning corpse of Griffiths looked in on him through the window of the lighthouse each night. The wind made the dead man dance and his lifeless arm rapped insistently on the window as Howell tried in vain to fall asleep.

Howell prayed nightly for someone to come to his aid, but no-one stopped at the rocky outcrop. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months and still Howell's ordeal continued. After four months a boat finally stopped at the lighthouse.

When they found Howell, he was wild-eyed and raving mad. He was taken to the mainland, institutionalised and never recovered his shattered senses.

But here's where you should turn the sound up on the "Tales from the Unexpected" theme. For ironically enough, Howell's rescuers explained why they took so long to arrive.

Boats had gone by regularly, they said. But every time a boat came near they could see the lighthouse keepers were just fine. One of them was even standing there on the gangway, smiling and waving happily at them.

* PLACES TORCH UNDER CHIN *

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!!

Happy Halloween my dear Princess &  dear fellows. Don’t let the thing in the cupboard get you.

S.