Old Haunts

It was gloriously sunny today after it rained all day yesterday. I got my jobs done. It's always the same in half-term; the week has been peppered with haircuts, dentist visits, banking etc. Some of those simple things make me happy, like having my hair done :-) Others are more of a necessity! 

I'm not doing very well with blip at the moment, or my writing in fact. Sometimes the words just won't come. My journal is a bit lacking at the moment, and half the time it's finding something interesting to photograph.

A couple of weeks ago, T messaged me out of the blue. I think of him all the time, but have ignored others' advice to send him a message, lest I should rock the boat. My actions weren't entirely selfless, more an act of self-preservation on my own part. I haven't seen him for 20 months, which is a long time. I wouldn't say I'm content, even happy, but things are a lot better than those 20 months ago. So why would I want to rock the boat? Plus I'm a terrible over-thinker and that's never a good thing. 

Anyways. Needless to say I had to keep re-reading the message to check it was true. We made plans to meet up last weekend, but he had a cold and had to reschedule. I really went through a whole range of emotions that week, and in a way, I was a little disappointed but also relieved. I just don't like drama, and am always happy to avoid tricky situations at any cost. But we rescheduled for tonight, and I'm happy to say it went well.

I was pretty nervous, although I was really looking forward to seeing him. I couldn't imagine how it might be, after quite a period of time. I started to feel quite anxious on the way there, but I think it's more to do with the fact I hadn't been into the city for weeks and having been peacefully at home most of the week, the hustle and bustle of the Friday rush hour unnerved me. 

We sat and chatted for an hour, over a cup of tea. We hadn't decided what to do, but we were both happy to stay in, so we ordered sushi from Deliveroo and watched an episode of Stranger Things on Netflix. Well, rather his sister L's Netflix account ;-) 

It was really nice. It was so easy to slip back into being with him, it was easy and comfortable and relaxed. We never had drama, we don't do drama. We never talked about the past- I wouldn't want to talk about that. I highly doubt that we'll ever get back together, we didn't discuss that either, but at least there's not that void and emptiness that has been there for so long. 

I'll be honest and say that I felt a bit funny on my way home, despite the fact that we're going to keep in touch and see each other again. But it's the not knowing exactly when that's started to unsettle me. In a strange way I've been better having no contact, although it felt like a huge weight on my shoulders and that feels a bit lighter since. 

I slept fitfully that night, and felt a bit unhappy the next day. I was going out with M on Saturday night, which I was really looking forward too, not least because it would be a bit of a distraction. But I wasn't the best company I don't think. Actually that's not true, I was funny and chatty but for the first couple of hours in the pub I felt those uncomfortable feelings and part of me wanted to go home. Not that I would have wanted to be at home either with my thoughts! When I went to the bar to get a drink, I was obviously lost in my thoughts as an older Dutch gentleman, old enough to be my dad, asked me if he could buy me a drink! The young guy next to him, possibly his son, asked to cut in, but it was fine, we had a little banter as I very politely thanked him for the drink offer and told him I was fine! He was very kind and wished me a good night before he returned to his friends outside. 

We finished at midnight, and began the trek home. To make matters worse I seemed to have inadvertently committed a bit of a faux pas with M, who very kindly gave me a ride the last two times we've been out, and I've not offered him any compensation for his troubles, e.g.; petrol money! Or bought him a drink.... Next time I shall have to put it right ;-) 

So we shall see. I think it's best to have low expectations, but it was just really good to see T again, and for now I shall just try to be in the moment and not worry. 

Easier said than done.