Idle Spekulation

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

Every Christmas for the past few years I have received a very festive parcel from Fat Pete in Germany. It typically contains Haribo, Ritter Sport chocolate, sesame sticks, marzipan mini-potatoes and a Christ Stollen.

So named because after you've eaten it, you go "Christ!" the next time you step on the scales.

But why are you bringing this up now, you may ask? It's because the gift box always contains Germany's special Xmas biscuits, "Spekulatius" as well. Fat Pete often blips his first Spekulatius-spot of the year as a sign that the festive season is barrelling toward us.

I once shared one of Fat Pete's packets with Andy the German. "Aaaahhh, the SMELL of Christmas!!" he beamed. So for Germans, Spekulatius are like a Terry's Chocolate Orange, the Morecambe and Wise Special, rum sauce and your drunken Auntie Maisie showing everyone her knickers all wrapped up in biscuit form.

I wasn't expecting to join Fat Pete in the annual Spekulatius-spot but LOOK what I found in the International Foods section in Countdown today. Right above the cans of Irn Bru and the packets of Sage & Onion Paxo.

It's not your brand, Fat Pete, but they are indeed Spekulatius. I turned one of the packets around so you can see Germans enjoying themselves in the snow. I look at that picture and imagine that will be you come Dezember, with E behind you in the happy horse buggy.

And let me take this opportunity to ask you not to go mad this year. It will cost you a FORTUNE to send all that stuff halfway around the world. And now you know that I can pick up Spekulatius in Countdown. Your best wishes will be enough. I am unanimous in this.

But I will be thinking fondly of you the next time I dunk, my dear chap.

Is it Xmas yet?

S.

p.s. I just zoomed in on the picture and realised these ones are Dutch. Bloody Dutch people with their knock-off biscuits. I'll bet these ones get you HIGH.