Aw baggah!

A minor mishap in Port Appin. Dougal MacSlasher had been drinking since tea time and when the call of nature caught up with him - as it does - he took comfort in the local phone box - as you do. Unfortunately for Dougal his pal MacHazard had gone to get the car to give him a lift home. It's a common story in fictional Port Appin, they go into the bar, get smashed and drive home. This time it went all wrong.

Dougal was standing in the phone box with the two most precious things in his life in his shaking hands, his kebab and his can of warm Tennents (ah see, you were being rude thinking that) when MacHazard came round the corner and 'BANG'. Dougal was squashed flat but he never dropped his kebab. MacBobby was quickly on the scene and arrested MacHazard for not parking within the bays. Then he called the clampers. (a nice little earner).

Within minutes the Highways Agency had the road closed as far back as rest and be Thankful. An unusual place but they had lots of signs already there. MacBobby called his favourite insurance company who called their favourite breakdown service who called their favourite compensation lawyers who saw an opportunity to get some PPI work out of it too so they called their favourite financiers. Dougal's phone was crushed so someone called Alloddarephones in Chennai and he sold the info on to his pal in Bombay who knew someone in Calcutta who could do him a good deal. Lots of money exchanged hands, fees, bribes, backhanders and rewards.

The road was opened within 24 hours (a quick fix by HA standards but the little bit of time and a half came in handy). Someone may have called an ambulance but there's not much financial gain in that so it was well down the list.

MacHazard now gets 150 emails a day, over 100 texts and lots of mail from people wanting to 'help' him. Oh, and his insurance premium went up by £400 pounds 'to cover administration costs' but they let him keep his no claims discount (worth £4.50) as a goodwill gesture.

Dougal died from something nasty in his kebab.