It's A Lot of Up

Dear Fat Pete & Princess Normal,

Our first full day as Wellington residents started off at the Hotel Grand Mecure, where we had spent a quiet night –

Oh my god! Oh my GOD! Wait until I tell you what happened to ME last night!

This is Feefs. She was put in a room on a separate floor to us. This wasn’t ideal, but we thought we would be okay with it, even if you needed to use your card-key every time you wanted to use the lift.

But like man, when I got to my room the bed was beautiful and everything but the room had one of those weird adjoining doors on it? And it wouldn’t lock? So I called the reception and said I’m not happy. And they sent this lovely Indian man and he showed me that although I could open it, it wouldn’t open on the other side. So that was cool and I got my book and went to bed and fell asleep. And then – f*** man – I was wide awake about an hour later and there were ACTUAL VOICES like, right in my room and I was like f***! F***! So I turned on my light and it turned out the voices were next door but I could hear EVERYTHING and it was LIKE they were in my room but they kept going on and on and they were REALLY BORING and like, if it had been interesting sh*t I maybe wouldn’t have cared so much and I was like “OH MY GOD WILL YOU SHUT THE F*** UP?!” but they couldn’t hear me so I called reception again and said these boring f*cken people man and I can hear every-f*cken-thing so the Indian man came back and said, “I move you”. So they put me in another room and there were only two single beds, no queen and the Indian man said, “I will clip them together for you,” but I was like nah man, I just want to get in bed I don’t care. And anyway then it was like EVERYONE was being so f*cken NOISY, slamming doors and sh*t. So I was like – AWAKE – for ages then I fell asleep and then woke up at seven when I got your text. So I came to see you – but like – my card-key doesn’t work? And I needed it to work the lift to get to your floor? And I couldn’t get BACK into my room? So I was like – right – I went to reception – in my f*cken onesie with no bra on – and EVERY B*STARD in the hotel was checking out so I was there AGES with my no bra giving it –

(And here Feefs did a mime of someone trying to hide the fact that they own boobs).

And yeah man, they were all like, “We are so sorry, the card mustn’t have been activated when you changed rooms” and I was like f*cken you’re not kidding but no worries. And then I managed to get to your room but breakfast is totally free jesus christ.

(Pause).

How did you sleep?

This is a pretty standard Feefs monologue. She is hilarious, and she is not exaggerating anything, I swear. This is how she talks to people, like they are all her best mates and invariably they are after about five minutes in her company. In just over a day in Wellington I had seen her charm the lady on the plane next to her, the reception guy, an Uber driver and the chick behind the counter at the Superette corner store.

Oh wait, did I tell you? I vomited.

No, I am quite sure I would have remembered that.

Yeah man, it must have been the fish – which I enjoyed – it was yum – but I was lying there last night in my first room and suddenly I was all like oh my god I’m going to vomit. Am I really going to vomit? And then I was like “yes”. This is me vomiting. But I was okay afterward but man I haven’t vomited in years. Suck.

Feefs had quite a night. The rest of the day was even more active for her. She rented a car (and charmed the car rental guy) and then spent the rest of the day driving Er Indoors around getting bits and pieces for the flat. The girls made trip after trip back up to the flat dropping off household essentials from furniture stores, hardware stores, pet stores and a supermarket. Meanwhile, I decided to try and tackle The Big Hill.

Seriously, our flat is at the top of a HUGE EFFING HILL. I know Wellington is hilly, but this one is special. It is SERIOUSLY STEEP for a VERY LONG TIME. And it curves, so that just when you think you are at the top, you turn the corner and there is YET MORE up.

I got to into the flat and – BLUE INHALER BLUE INHALER BLUE INHALER – as stars danced before my eyes and my chest heaved. I am going to get fit in this city. I will have no choice.

The girls left me so that I could be here for the delivery of a couch and an entertainment unit from Freedom Furniture (UK equivalent = Habitat) and our beds from Harvey Norman (UK equivalent = John Lewis). Typically, it all arrived at once but the delivery guys were great and worked around each other well. The girls were delighted when they got back to find the couch and beds assembled, and I was already working on putting on the bedding.

Er Indoors then got stuck in with cleaning the flat. Miranda had got cleaners in before we arrived but they had done a rubbish job to put it mildly. The Huge Effing Turd in the toilet aside, the place was filthy and smelled bad. But Er Indoors is GREAT at cleaning. Feefs claims the pair of them get it from their granny. Soon the place was feeling spotless and liveable.

We don’t have a tv yet, but I have brought along a mini-projector which works really well. We ordered a Friday Curry and spent the night watching telly projected on the wall. It was great.

I’m sure you’ll agree that it has been a big day. Mainly for the staff at the Grand Mecure Hotel, who I am sure will not forget Feefs in a hurry. But we are now one step closer to an Actual Life in Wellington. Blue inhaler.

S.