Demotion. Please.

My pal E came through from Ayr for the day. I showed her the famous sights of Edinburgh - The Waverley Escalator, the road works, My Club, and my coffee machine. We went to an art gallery in Stockbridge, that E had wanted to see. We ate a very nice lunch in a cafe with quiet piano jazz music soundtrack. Splendid.

I stopped to take a photo of the nice wee pink flower pots on the cafe (I like the sign too) and this girl with wonderful hair happened to walk by. Also, it's a stretch of road with all the cobbles intact, no unsightly blobs of tarmac. This is fairly rare. Blip.

Well, I cannot say that last night's first swimming lesson went swimmingly. I could, but that would be lying. Suffice to say, the teacher learned my name in the group pretty quickly, and not just because I was the only white haired person there.

He started off with a speech about there being no such thing as 'Can't'. At least, I think he didn't mean 'cant' because there is such a thing. He said that with his schoolkids, he makes them sit at the side of the pool until they say 'I can. And I will try'. So that set the tone of the lesson. Sheer terror.

I am going swimming because although I can do a length of breast stroke/side stroke/dog paddle combination, I cannot do a front crawl AND breathe. This is what I want to learn, having taught myself 'front crawl' with my head up. This has to be unlearned.

The first thing we did, in twos, was a 'pencil jump' into the pool and swim a length freestyle. I was about to exclaim, 'But I can't!' when I thought better of it.

Pencil jump? Hands up above your head, jump up and straight in without making a big splash. I've never jumped into water without making a big splash - that is the whole point - let alone without holding on to my nose. So I jumped in (probably making a big splash), forgetting NOT to breathe, came up spluttering and choking, but set off gamely on my doggy/ breast/ side stroke. He pretended to be watching the other person.

We were up and down the whole time! The yells of 'KICK!' caused me to over-exert myself and pull a muscle in my calf and get cramp in my foot. We had to do a 'mushroom float' - face down, knees to chest, hold on to ankles. Torture.

He kept saying we'd have some fun at the end. Oooh, a nice game of water polo (the goals were there), I thought.

No.

Corkscrews.

Three strokes freestyle, on your back, three backstrokes, on your front, three freestyle. His idea of fun and my idea of fun are obviously at variance.

Quite a lot of the pool went up my nose. I had to cough and choke quietly several times while he shouted the next instructions and tried to ignore me.

My eyes are still sore from the chlorine (must get goggles, everyone else had them) but at least I can hear now. I think I am in the wrong class. I need to be in the Absolute Beginners not Post Beginners. I arranged it with the lady at the desk on the way out.

I think he will be as pleased as I am next week with this change.