Feeling Flat

Despite the rain I woke up feeling ok, but the rest of the day felt a bit flat. I always have to get up early on Wednesday's for my appointment with A, and consequently I always feel like trash. Lord knows how I'm going to get up at 6am next week...

I guess that the session made me feel unhappy, and left me with those dreaded "uncomfortable feelings". Talking about things that don't make you feel good left my voice getting quieter and a bit of a lump in my throat. It's the same old stuff really; I'm a contradiction in terms myself. One minute I'll go home to my house and give it another go; the next I feel dread at the very thought, and I tell myself I'll bite the bullet and either rent it or sell it. And then two hours later I'll do an about turn.

I'm very conscious I'm not in a relationship at the moment, and just not feeling the dating scene either. I do date, but it all feels a bit rubbish. Every decision seems to come with a pre-decided or thought-out-already outcome. And that never works. Over the last few years I seem to have lost the ability to be in the present. 

The only bright spot today was a message back from my old dance teacher trying to organise my lessons, and saying it would be good to see me back. I'm really looking forward to dancing again, and it finally feels like the time is right, although I feel a bit nervous. 

A read my book, all 14,000 words of it. She said lots of lovely things, but said she felt she didn't hear enough of my voice. That I talked about my co-captain rather than myself. I never realised that and yet I've read it through many times. There's still so much to do, so much to say, so it can seem a bit of a jumble. She said she read it all in one go, and that it left her wanting to read more, which I took as a good sign. Typical me though, I tend to focus on the negative and I kept thinking about what she said all day. I suppose I need to toughen up a bit really, but I'm not good at hearing the positives as much as the negatives. She's away for a couple of weeks now, and I always feel a bit funny. I don't know what I would do without an outlet for my worries.

My sister came round tonight, and we chatted for quite a while. But all, and I mean ALL of the conversation revolved around baby. I got to feel her again, and it's lovely, but I feel even more sad for me every time. I managed to do three submissions of my book to agents online today, but when I mentioned it in conversation she didn't respond at all. I didn't really expect her to really, the conversation was quickly steered back to baby world. But my mum noticed. 

It's just been what I'd call a 'wobbly' day today. Nothing feels right. I suppose the only thing we can do is remind ourselves that these feelings are usually temporary, and tomorrow is another day. That this too shall pass.

I went to gym in the evening again, but it was a bit quiet and I didn't get a lot out of it. But I showed up. And I went last night and worked hard so I guess it's ok to do just a little tonight.

Oh, and in other news, poor Little B, who has been itching himself silly and making his tummy all raw for the last few weeks went to the vet today. And the diagnosis? Fleas! Oops! We've neglected to do his flea treatment for quite a few months and this is the result. What crap owners we are hey? Poor Little B. 

And my pic is sitting in a traffic queue on the way back from A's in Farnham. These guys were pretty busy in the barber shop, it's quite fascinating to watch. When I went with T it was weird to see just how much goes on in the world of male grooming ;-)