Nothin' Doin'

The same old, albeit pretty sky at 8pm. I hate how the evenings are starting to draw in. 

I had my hair done today. Sister number two popped round, partly because she wanted to meet the hairdresser and book herself a long overdue appointment. Although she doesn't look hugely pregnant, when the hairdresser realised, there was the usual oohing and ahhhing conversation and I had to grin and bear it. Well, I was held hostage in the chair.

We talk a bit more, but she's just not that interested in me, or anything that's going on in my life. I don't think it's because she's having a baby, it was the same for the last ten years. It's very hard, because I can't run from this. It's difficult as there's no way to avoid it, but whilst I'm ok on the surface, just everyday life feels like salt being rubbed into the wound. This week my parents forked out nearly 1K for the pushchair/carseat combo, which was duly delivered today. 

There have been some nice bits; she keeps asking me "do you want to feel a foot?" and I must admit, it's really nice to feel. It's very strange, and I suppose I wonder whether I will ever get to experience it. So whilst it's amazing and lovely, it's a bit tinged for me. 

I was thinking a while back about personality types, and I realised I fit the avoidant one. Probably in every area of my life really. The stuff with Tim was probably a defining moment in my life; but once it was over, I never stuck around to torture myself, instead I've preferred to just keep my happy memories rather than trying to salvage any friendship. I have avoided feeling rubbish so have steered well clear, despite thinking of him most days. But with the baby thing, even though it's just as, or possibly even more painful, I haven't been able to avoid any of it. And yet under normal circumstances, I would have given it all a wide berth.

I hope I will be able to experience what my sister has one day, but can't help thinking of the paradox; how the happiest time in somebody's life can also be another persons saddest.  

I don't generally worry about things I don't have control over, but for some reason I worried about all things related this week- I had peritonitis years ago and google tells me that isn't good for fertility. A brief period of whooshing in my chest and then I pushed it back in its box. I can't do anything about it, so what's the point in worrying? 

I do really want to be away when the baby is born, but it looks unlikely I'll be able to time it right. I've been looking at some deals for San Diego over Christmas instead. I've always wanted to go, but am still undecided as to which hotel. I need something to look forward to, and I think a bit of winter sun might just be the band-aid that might help to heal the wound a little bit. 



*Any recommendations gratefully received!