The Dubious Look

My Dear Fellow,

I had my eyes zapped in 2002. A lot of our other friends had it done - including Hilary and Pickett - and they seemed to get on all right. I couldn't see a reason to be alarmed by -

"Oh my GOD! What if you smell your EYEBALLS? WHAT IF YOU SMELL YOUR EYEBALLS BURNING?!?"

That was Lisa. Who was not very reassuring.

I went ahead with it anyway and the worst thing about it was having to be led by the hand all the way home by Er Indoors after the operation. My face had been sprayed yellow with antiseptic and I was wearing safety goggles.

I could sense people looking at me and looking at Er Indoors and whispering "Poor Soul" to themselves. Then cuffing their children for staring.

But it was definitely worth it. I love not having to put on glasses as the first thing I do in the morning, and I don't miss those little sore pressure-points you get on each side of your nose.

I do miss that thing though, where you look over the top of your glasses at someone when they've said something stupid. "This is me giving you my dubious look," I used to say. Do you remember that? I used to do it all the time. It was great fun and for a few months after the zap, I found myself looking at people over the top of non-existent glasses.

It was not very satisfying. It just confused people.

But of course the zap could not last. It cured my astigmatism but in my declining years I have become short-sighted and do that thing where I squint at small print from a distance to read it. I went through a phase of blaming bad light, but facts are facts. Old Father Time was giving me the dubious look and I needed to accept reality.

So this week I bought myself some cheapo reading glasses to see how I would get on. The answer is, "rather well". They've made a huge difference already and I'm quite liking them.

Er Indoors openly mocked me the first time she saw me in them. "Awww... it's so WEIRD seeing you in glasses again," she said. "But no, it's cute really," she added quickly.

I pulled the glasses down my nose and peered over the top of them. This was partially to bring her back into focus, but only partially.

The Dubious Look. Lord, how I've missed it. It felt so good.

Parsones