Reality Sets In

My Dear Fellow,

Today, Er Indoors asked me to stay home so I could help some couriers pick up an exercise bike we'd been renting since last year.

Apparently when they dropped off the boxes we were to pack it into last week, the couriers were spectacularly unhelpful, muttering that they only delivered to the kerbside and leaving Er Indoors to manhandle the bulky boxes up 2 flights of stairs.

Naturally, the bloke today couldn't have been more helpful. So I've been sat on my bahookie all day simply so I could help guide just one of the boxes down one flight of stairs before the bloke took it off me.

Damn. What a shame. I missed meetings and scrums for that. I'm gutted.

Er Indoors can work from home so I told her just to do her thing and I would not interfere. She immediately reached for the remote control and put on real-life border control shows from New Zealand, Australia and Ireland.

We were laughing that border control would be the PERFECT job for Er Indoors. "That would be GREAT," she enthused. "I'd get a uniform, get to tell people what to do, ask them questions in a patronising way... I'd love it." She then launched into it -

"Could you stand over here please sir? Stand over here. Now empty your pockets. Empty your pockets please. The OTHER pocket. Now I've found chicken in your baggage. Why did you put 'no' on the form? WHY DID YOU PUT 'NO' ON THE FORM? You should have put 'yes'."

Then she turned to an imaginary camera and narrated for the imaginary reality tv show crew. "So we did find some prohibited items in the gentleman's bags. He will have to pay a fine and obviously we have confiscated the chicken."

This was scary stuff. She was enjoying herself TOO MUCH.

We also watched a New Zealand reality police show. The usual drunken idiots, delighted to be on telly. "YEAH!! HAIL SATAN BRO!!"

And then there was the bloke who'd been involved in a scuffle outside a pub in Taupo. "I was JUST STANDING THERE," he told the cops, "when this guy comes up and stabs me in the neck and hit a major artery and so I defended myself and now you're arresting ME??"

"If it was a major artery, you'd be dead, mate," replied the cop.

"Well - okay - maybe not a MAJOR artery, but definitely an artery."

"Nah mate," the cop responded, "you're still walking and talking, it's not an artery."

"Well - okay - maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, but look at all this blood. This shirt is ruined bro. This is a TEN DOLLAR SHIRT."

"We're going to be living there," I said.

"I know," replied Er Indoors. "But it's even worse in the UK. Would you like me to prove it by putting on an episode of Jeremy Kyle?"

She makes a good point. Now if you'd just stand over there sir...

STAND OVER THERE, SIR.

It's intoxicating, no?

Parsones