Good Grief 275

Another anniversary phase done.
I don't know why they are as they are. They are just other days amongst all the others that are so similar. It's not as if it's a day to mark or remember because all days are marked and they are saturated with remembrance. But they will insist on making their presence felt. It's like a some kind of state dignitary that forces attention with an entourage of agitation, anxiety, despair and various other hangers on. 
Anyway, done now and having got back to work there does seem to have been a gradual 'stand down' over the last few days.

It becomes so hard to work out what's what.
I haven't had good sleep for 5 years and now it seems astoundingly minimal, a few hours captured here and there like a night watch on a rolling ship in the doldrums with the hour bell announcing the night sweat. I've tried some herbal stuff to no good effect and don't want HRT. It's been set in for a long time now and I gather can last years. Bloody brilliant.

And so we settle into the next year of it all with no anticipation or expectation of change any more. I was however looking forward to seeing my stepdaughter this weekend. I was going to go up to cheer her on at a half marathon. I was looking forward to having that focus, to go up and support, to feel connected, a part of, a drive out with a purpose for a change, it was doable, not pressured, going to support an activity and so not have too much social pressure attached. Unfortunately she has rung to say she is unwell, full of cold, and not able to compete and to sort our another date to catch up. I was sorry she was unwell of course but so disappointed. I'm not used to disappointment these days because I look forward to so little. Although I'm not much involved in their worlds and even though they are not my children they help me to feel some small connection to the world of the living. I love that they seem to want to stay connected. I'm not entirely sure why but glad they do. I feel an unending raw sense of loss of not having had children myself and this is one of the rare and fragile points where one of those delicate hairs absorbs something of the world, takes it in and it becomes a part of it.