Happy Birthday, The Dazzler

34 today. He is my toy-boy by 9 months. Some women go for much younger men and some older. Some go for fame and fortune. I went for one who makes me happy. It has been a skill which I looked to help me a lot this year.

This morning I indulged my great sadness that it is also a year since my dear friend Jane died. When the kids had gone to school and The Dazzler to work I turned Damien Rice on and wept. After about 5 songs I could listen no more. The mourning and self pity over, an afternoon of birthday celebration to be had. I had lots to say about death this morning.

Like how it makes you sadder than you could imagine. And somehow (To my mind at least) death is more acceptable when it is someone older and has lead a full and happy life. It is cruel to steal someone approaching their prime. Death has taught me there are dark times - like when Jane looked me in the eyes and said "I'm so scared, Meg" and there are light times as I remember her laughter peeling out, filling our house with the sound of Jane. Mourning is a non-sense process too, with sudden bouts of melancholly, a song here and there to catch you out, the way a stranger walks or looks, the sudden appearance of Janes profle on Facebook as a friend stops by to 'tell' her they miss her. The childish waiting for them to re-appear 'BOO' out of the cupboard. The adult realisation there is no such cupboard and that I was so very lucky to know and love her, to be part of her all too short life. The sudden understanding of the phrase 'You only live once'.

There was much more this morning - I bet you are glad I waited until it had ebbed a little!

Tonight, we will raise a glass to another year, one which was also filled with great happiness. We will remember Jane and toast The Dazzler, and look to the future with hope, laughter and love and try to remember what life really is all about.

Mx