Lucky Find

When you're feeling sad and need cheering up, you try on the pair of shoes you bought last summer that you forgot you had ... ;-) And I remembered that the were ridiculously cheap too ;-) 

A lot of feelings have been building up inside, with no outlet really. I suppose I should just have a good cry and then I'll feel better, but it's like I can't cry on command, nor find a time to actually 'schedule' the crying! I feel really frustrated, then overwhelmed, then optimistic, and then fatalistic all over again. I'm trapped in a loop, of upsetting and unhelpful thoughts that are hard to put in a box. Maybe it's because I don't express them that they bubble under the surface and essentially get repressed.

I'm fed up. I have nothing, I've achieved nothing, and I don't really see it changing. And that absolutely terrifies me. What if it never gets better? What if this is it? What if nothing ever changes? 

I'm scared. Of change. And of nothing changing. 

Why can't I just be like everybody else? 

My Gramps always thought of himself as lucky, I think of myself as the opposite. He was always content, and I'm discontented. As if I've been in limbo for 18months, unable to go back, and unable to go forward. I doubt they had all of this emotional turmoil in their day, I expect they were taught to just get on with it. 

I'm not sure I can. I'm exhausted. I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to start, and yet I'm missing it.