Orchid you not.....

Today, I'm at a wedding.

Unfortunately, I've had to sign a contract which prohibits me from posting photos, or discussing on social media, the dress/guests/outrageous behaviour of the bride's sister. But if you promise not to tell anyone.....

The dress: The bride's mother is telling everyone that it was handmade by a famous British designer, but I was there when she cut off the label. It was from Aldi. In the sale.

The guests: No idea who any of them are. There's a tiddly Swiss guy with a tennis racquet who keeps shouting 'Andy Murray's a tosser' at the top of his voice. Nobody has a clue why he's here.

The bride's sister: She's completely pickled. Strictly between us, she arrived at the church in a foul temper, muttering about how the bride had upstaged her on her wedding day, and now it's payback time. She's been swigging fizz straight out the bottle all afternoon, and has been heard telling her husband that when he 'gets the big job' he's to bring back the custom of sticking smartarse relatives in The Tower.

Apart from all that, it's like every other wedding you've ever been to - M&S cava at the top table, Lidl's prosecco for everyone else, and a room full of Argos wedding gifts that'll be appearing on eBay by midnight.

Anyway, I'm off to mingle with the guests. Rumour has it that the Swiss guy has a massive Toblerone.......