Norman's garden

I had a dreadful sleepless night, finally got off about 5 after a snack and some cognac, I slept till 10. Spoke to my girlfriends Rita and Sarah on the phone both of whom have lost their Mothers.

My dear friend Sally came over about 12 and spent the afternoon with me. Max made us lunch then Sally took me to the bank for some last minute checks, all done now.

Then we stopped at the nursing home to check for mail, there was a postcard there from Gerry's son in law Bill.  We met Norman’s lovely daughter Julia who took us on a tour of Norman’s garden where we smelled the lemon verbena and the mint basil. She is also a Quaker and said she was holding Mum in light and love. It was a restful 20 minutes admiring all the amazing work she has helped Norman do there, so many herbs and veg and flowers, just lovely and it looks so good at the moment, especially verdant in the rain. I asked Julia if she would mind if I visited Norman from time to time and she said she wouldn't. He has been so important to Mum and helped her so much.

Here is a post from 2 weeks ago of Norman, Mum and Gulli in the garden.


Then it was off to the Hospital where Mum was very alert and responsive. Sally had bought her a gift of rose scented hand cream which we both massaged into her hands. She nodded when i asked her if she could smell it.

I read her cards from John and Rosie Edge and Candy and Brian and Bill and Rachael (Gerry's children and partners). I passed on other messages from friends and family and I played her some Carpenters songs. I also told her I have sent her old friend (since age 12) Angela who is also my Godmother an 80th Birthday card from her.


Then we had a very surreal black comedy experience with the Chaplain (or Craplain as I have renamed him), the hospital had asked if they thought Mum would like to see one and what faith she was, I said whilst she wasn't massively religious she had gained strength from her Quaker friend Norman talking about the holy spirit and I was sure she would like some kind of spiritual reassurance. So this man arrived, he was 79 like Mum, once we had introduced ourselves he sat down with Mum and I told him a bit about her life and her illness, then his phone rang, he missed the call but called back and said 'well is he actually dying because I am with someone at the moment' Sally and I exchanged worried looks, so apparently the other person's death was not imminent so he stayed, started stroking Mum's face and talking as if she wasn't there and no matter how many times I repeated that she could hear and understand he persisted in talking about her and not to her, I even said 'why don't you tell her that, she can hear you' to no avail, it was all very odd, he then went on to talk about his wife who has dementia and said' she's more responsive than my wife' it was bizarre!! I wondered if I had misunderstood what a Chaplain actually was, I related how Mum had wanted Norman to tell her about the Holy Spirit and he said 'what about the other 2?' None of this was upsetting to me or sally or Mum just very very odd and not what we were expecting. in the end I excused him and thanked him for coming. I have told the Hospital I would rather he didn't visit again as he just doesn't have anything useful to give Mum.


However it is possible that he  was a mythical genie because in the absence of him not providing what we felt was needed Sally  passed on Julia’s love and light and Mum really liked that and looked into Sally’s eyes for a long time.

I then had the opportunity to reassure her that all her wishes are being carried out, she was very alert and responsive and definitely understood everything and looked into my eyes the whole time and was nodding when i asked if she understood.


I told her that
Her body would be left to science in accordance with her wishes and that the Hospital have the paperwork


That I have spoken to the funeral directors and what a nice family they are and that she will be cremated as per her wishes (she was asking me about her funeral only a couple of weeks ago).

That all her paperwork is in order and the finances are all sorted.


That I remember our conversations about having a commemorative bench, I asked if she thought it would be good to have it in Brighton where she had done so much acting and had happy times and she nodded.


She still looked troubled, Sally stepped in and reassured her that I am fine and that I have support and love around me.


I then reassured her that my brother Tom is getting over a nasty virus and feeling much better, I told her that Tom and I are close and we are good friends.


I told her I loved her and that she had done a great job as my Mother and that there was nothing left for her to worry about.


That seemed to do it.

Then I asked her if she wanted to watch tv which she definitely did, we purchased a 24 hour tv package and left her watching the hairy bikers and Sally and I went to have tea.


Sally and I then spoke to a lovely lady doctor and asked what we are likely to expect. She said it is different in every case, she said it could last up to 2 weeks (from Monday when all treatment was withdrawn), she said Mum could go at any time, she said we may or may not have warning, it’s always different…. so we just don’t know. I intend to go every day until the time comes.

We left her peacefully watching TV, cuddling her white bear with her cuddly corgi beside her and pillow next to her. She has a lovely nurse called Mary looking after her. I also took in a colourful pink blanket with red flowers identical to one I bought her in the home so hopefully that will make things seem more homely and familiar.

I feel much calmer and more centred after today’s visit. It was good to have a really good laugh about the Craplain with Sally and then again with Max when we got home.


I am planning a relaxing evening watching death related comedy of some sort over a few glasses of wine and I hope I sleep tonight, I am exhausted.