It's probably summer...

... for the next couple of days. Then Autumn will settle in. Absolutely gorgeous today. No icy arctic breeze trolling me the moment I step outside in my t shirt. I almost feel like I can finally thaw out.

In bloody May.



Taper was very hard this week. The pattern is very familiar now; there's a couple of days' lag between reducing that dose and the black dogs plaguing me. The pain bit comes earlier, but I'm more used to dealing with that.

The chemical imbalance seems to kick in exactly two days after I reduce dose though. That's even more debilitating than the pain. The grand ship pixelchristi seems to list AND literally lurch until my brain digs the pain management med's tendrils out and establishes it's own systems again. Two days of pain, two days of hell - feeling so deeply frustrated at my lack of progress and even more dissatisfied with my day to day - and then I have a couple of great days like today, where I feel energised and motivated and as far removed from those black dogs as possible.

And then I reduce the dose again and the same thing happens.

Recognising that pattern is essential. It enables me to be ready for what's to come and allows me to realise what's happening when I'm in it. The couple of days where everything's great are worth it though. That's when I can see the motivation returning and the sharper, more connected thinking process. Hell, even the very bad days are some kind of progress. I got so fed up with my day to day on Monday that I've decided to start a distance course on freelance feature writing at the London School of Journalism when my head's in the right space.

Sara. You got any advice? ;)

I've wanted to do it for years and years. I was told many years ago that having the words AND the pictures makes it a lot easier to sell a story to a publication. I've always enjoyed putting words and pictures together*. Telling stories no matter what the medium. It could fit around the illness too, which is a big plus. Now I've gone and spent too much money on books on the subject. Should keep me occupied for a while.

Anyway. Today was a step forward. Literally. I walked further than I have done in months and months. Right leg is in bits now, but I'm satisfied for once. I reduce the dose again tonight though, so I'm ready for another rollercoaster ride. I know it's worth it now. The prize at the end will be worth it too.


*I hate fighting autocarrot though. That thing is the bane of my life.


P.S. if you're interested in what the "taper" is all about, I'm keeping an irregular diary of the process. Just click or tap the #pxctaper tag below to see the other entries.