Crispy Critters

My Dear Fellow,

It was Lisa's birthday on Wednesday, so she is round for dinner tonight. I say "dinner", I mean "Deliveroo". It is almost like cooking for guests except I can do it from the comfort of my @rse.

I was very pleased with my choice of present, "Sex & Drugs & Ratt & Roll" a true-life story of 80's rock stardom. I read about this book - a tale of rock and roll excess, drugs, STDs, festiness and drunken bummery - and immediately thought "Lisa". This was in January. The book has been sitting around waiting for her since then. She was delighted with it. She opened it randomly at a few pages and declared she was sensing greatness.

I love buying the right presents for people.

The rest of the evening has been taken up with reality tv and chat about our upcoming move. Er Indoors is looking forward to moving back to NZ so she can stand next to her younger sister and look 10 years younger than Feefs who has been living under the ozone hole since 2003.

"Me too," said Lisa, "I'm always getting mistaken for the younger sister. It's that vicious sun down there. You'll have to keep Factor 50 on you at all times or you'll turn into crispy critters within six months."

She made me think I'll be like that Nazi from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" as soon as I step off the plane.

"This is the benefit of living in a country with no sunshine," Lisa continued. "Mind you, we're lucky we don't have rickets or something."

So it has been a good night. And it's still going on. The girls are absorbed in "The Real Housewives of Sydney" where Athena has offended Nicole by calling her "Captain Eyebrows".

Clearly, life down under is going to be pretty complicated. Factor 50 on standby.

Parsones