Musings While Vacuuming

My Dear Fellow,

Something inside me snapped today. The flat was looking a bit tatty and so I scrubbed the kitchen floor. I even took the unheard of step of moving the fridge. 

THIS IS SERIOUS.

I hung up the laundry, washed all the dishes, cleaned the litter trays, and all to a soundtrack of 1980's classics. Or at the very least Classix Nouveau.

Then it was vacuuming, and I found my mind wandering from one subject to another. First of all, to an episode of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" which made me laugh out loud in the street the other day, alarming an oncoming pedestrian. Humph was talking about failed advertisments and saying how some jingles never quite hit the spot with the public. To prove his point, he recounted the one for "Quilley's Throat Lozenges".

"When your throat is feeling sore,
Take yourself to the chemist store
Don't be a bunch of silly-billies,
You'll get relief when you suck Quilley's."

All right, it is stupid, but it still makes me laugh.

Then I recalled a conversation I had with Er Indoors, Lisa and Princess Normal a couple of weeks ago. Er Indoors was talking about getting a tattoo but saying she couldn't because I disapproved.

It is true. "The foot has gone down," I said. Derisory laughter from the women. Sometimes I think they do not take me seriously.

They wanted to know what my objection was. "This is going to make me sound like a serial killer," I replied, "but I just like skin as it is."

Just to be clear. While I appreciate the art of tattoos, I don't think they make anyone look better than they did before. I don't want to wear anybody's skin as a pair of pyjamas, or turn your willy into a pair of slippers or anything. I thought it was important to be explicit on this.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't see the point in scribbling all over oneself with permanent marker, that's all. For some men it's a "hardness" thing I suppose. Men can boast about having endured the needle on their scrotum for six hours and then their mates are all impressed because they know they are dealing with a HARD MAN. Who is NOT TO BE MESSED WITH etc. This is as they tee up at the par four, or go into an Agile planning session or what have you.

But women don't need that to prove they are hard. They could just walk around wearing a t-shirt that says, "I squeezed a human being out of my fanny." That should suffice. So those are my thoughts on tattoos.

And with that, there was a SQUONK noise as Jasper's favourite catnip beaver disappeared up the nozzle of the Hoover. Which brought my musings to an end.

El P.