What's The Craic?

My Dear Fellow,

My PM recently turned 40 and is not happy about it. I reassured her that my 40’s have been pretty good. “Ooh, except health-wise,” I warned her. “Your 40’s are when things stop working or just drop off altogether.”

Funnily enough this did not raise her spirits. Oh well, I tried.

But it is true. I’ve had more ailments in the last 7 years than in the previous 40 put together. I’m not going to be boring and list them all here except to say this: I am a Brave Little Soldier. But I suffer in silence. Stoic, I am. Now fluff my pillows and bring me Lucozade.

The most recent stupid annoying thing is cracks at the corners of my mouth. Why did no-one mention this to me before? It is so irritating. 

I thought it might be a vitamin deficiency so I took myself to the Pharmacist.

“No, it’s not a vitamin deficiency,” she said. “It could be a cold sore.”

I assured her I’ve never had a cold sore in my life. And have not snogged anyone except Er Indoors since the 1990’s.

“You don’t just get it by kissing you know,” said Pharmacist
.
Really? I didn’t know this. I wondered if she meant there was some other DISGUSTING way of getting it. Like accidentally licking a hobo, or drinking out of puddles, or speaking too closely into a telephone receiver that the previous user had shoved up their poo-hole.

So I bought some Zovirax and took it home.

“Since when do YOU have cold sores?!?” asked Er Indoors accusingly.

“You don’t just get it by kissing you know,” I replied. I wished I’d asked Pharmacist for a note.

But the Zovirax didn’t work. This is probably for the best and may have saved my marriage. “Ow! This Zovirax has ACTUALLY made the condition WORSE!” I said about ten times a day while pointing. “Ow! So DEFINITELY not a cold sore then!!!!”

A bit of googling later and it turns out that it is a vitamin deficiency.

DAMN YOU PHARMACIST.

Hence, this array of pills and fruit. There’s a chewy vitamin C in there, some iron, I think the see-through one is oil squeezed from the revolting parts of a fish. Oh and vitamin B which I don’t really understand because it’s COMPLEX. I imagine vitamin B to be like an Emo teenager. “I’m just too COMPLEX mum,” it complains before going off and listening to Killing Joke*.

The good news is that is seems to have worked really quickly. I’ve only been on this new regime for a day and my mouth is much improved. So DEFINITELY DEFINITELY not a cold sore. DEFINITELY.

El P. 

* Or the 2000’s equivalent thereof.