The Jesus Poo

"Do you ever worry when you're pooing that you might not stop?"

My Dear Fellow, there is nothing to prepare one for questions like this. Unless your are me, in which case you have to be prepared to handle this sort of query on a daily basis.

"It's because of that story Rosco told us that time."

This is Rosco the Bus Driver who Er Indoors is talking about. He drove the Oz Experience bus from Adelaide to Melbourne in 2001. He was full of great stories but the one which worries Er Indoors is the one about constipation.

See what happened is that Rosco was working on a ship, and unlike many people who find that the motion of the sea brings food up, with Rosco it just stayed put. In his bowel. Unmoving. Uncooperative. 

Wedged.

This went on for four days. He began to feel he would just have learn to live with the fact that he would never poo again. Then one evening he sat down to dinner with the rest of the crew when suddenly - 

RUN! RUUNNNNNNNN!!

He described it as being like a woman whose water has just broken. He wrenched open the door of the nearest on-ship dunny and pooed like there was no tomorrow. He mimed as he described this. And basically the mime was of someone who starts off sitting down, and gradually, gradually ends up standing upright.

"It was the biggest poo I ever did," he explained. "It ended up peering over the edge of the toilet seat at me. Like a python."

Of course, this thing was impervious to the flush. Rosco was unsure what to do. Should he attempt to manhandle it and throw it overboard to frighten sea-life? "But there was no way that thing was going to come away in one piece," he conceded, ever the practical Aussie bloke.

He thought about his options. And in the end he did what I feel most of would have done. He ran away and hoped someone else would get the blame.

It didn't work. His friends knew about his sea-constipation and so he was always going to be the prime suspect. He was tracked down to his cabin and told, "Never to do that ever again." He was furthermore charged $20 to pay the cabin boy for "breaking it up with a stick and flushing it".

"...And that's what scares me," concluded Er Indoors. "That I might do a poo that makes everyone go, 'Oh Jesus'."

She thought about it. "A Jesus Poo", she uttered darkly.

I must confess, I'm kind of scared of Er Indoors doing that too, now that she has raised it as a possibility.

But I didn't say that. Instead I said I was concerned about the level of conversation when Er Indoors and Feefs are back together in the same country.

"Oooh. Good point," said Er Indoors. "Must tell Feefs."

Now you know why I fit so well into this family.

El P.

p.s. I have no idea what today's story has to do with Canonmills. But ooh, look, Canonmills.