What A Feeling

My Dear Fellow,

So we missed our deadline. If you recall our meeting on the subject, it turns out we didn't finish A, B or C. Took on too much and got nowt.

I expect there will be a session on what we can learn from this. And I can tell you right now it will be that -

1. We took on too much because we didn't estimate properly
2. Requirements kept changing
3. We didn't have a proper test environment

Do those seem familiar? I expect so. They pretty much come up on every project ever, but nothing ever changes. As a result, morale is low.

Slack, as I recall, were very keen on morale and motivation. I'm sure you remember the motivational courses. I know I do. It seemed like every six months they would bring in yet another smarmy twerp in a headset who would tell us we were rubbish because we just didn't BELIEVE enough. 

And then there would be inspirational stories - of a young man - a young man with a DREAM - who fought multiple disadvantages - he had rickets! His testicles didn't descend until he was TWENTY-TWO! He was born without an ANUS! But he never lost his dream!

Do you know who that young man grew up to be? Do you?? 

USAIN BLOODY BOLT! THAT'S WHO!

All right, I made all that up. And I doubt that the anus thing is even an actual thing. 

But those are the sort of inspirational tales they used to tell us. Of people who "visualised" things and made them happen. They never told the tales of those losers who rock up on "The X Factor" having visualised that they are the next Beyonce until Simon Cowell tells them to eff off.

I also recall the speaker telling us that we LEARNED our limitations! LEARNED our fears! Yes! We were BORN with only two fears! The first fear we were born with was of FIRE! Did anyone know what other childhood fear was?

"Broccoli?" you asked.

It took the speaker five minutes to regain control of the room after that. You were a troublemaker, and my hero from then on.

After that we were taught to juggle, to count to 10 in Japanese, made to study the lyrics of "Flashdance" by Irene Cara, and finally to break boards with our BARE HANDS. 

The RX project took another 3 years to complete. Think how long it would have taken a team of non-jugglers.

I sometimes think I should quit the BA lark and become an inspirational speaker. My presentation would involve sending everyone to the pub then giving senior management my very expensive consultant report:

1. Stop overloading your team with too much work, they'll just rush it and do a cr&ppy job and you'll blame them even though it was your own stupid plan.
2. Of course requirements kept changing! That's what requirements do! Allow for this in your effing estimates for a change!
3. For eff's sake spend a bit of cash and build a decent test environment unless you want this to bite you on the @rse on every single effing project for the next umpteen effing years.

What do you think? Inspirational? Or do I need to make you listen to "Flashdance" again?

El P.