3.22am

My Dear Fellow,

It is the middle of the night and I am wide awake and listening to sounds of distant traffic.

Why, I couldn't say. But at least I have the luxury of knowing I can sleep late tomorrow - I mean today.

But I do have a theory. It's this time of night that the anxieties creep in. If I allow myself a thought as I turn over to take a sip of water I can easily find myself bolt awake. It can be thinking about my visa, or worrying about politics or wondering if the cat has been drinking out of that glass I just took a sip from.

When I was younger, my anxieties were about The Devil. My parents made the mistake of giving Tups their video rental cards and back in the early 80's you could get anything. My sister came home from the store with "The Exorcist". Well, we didn't know it wasn't the same as a Hammer horror.

I remember being bored by it at first, then it all happened at once and poor little Linda Blair was being flung about and peeing all over the carpet. I was absolutely terrified but daren't leave the room because then Tups would make fun of me and being made fun of by your older sister was even worse than being possessed by Satan.

Then our nan came round to babysit (a bit bloody late nan!). She flicked fag ash all over the place and Tups told her about this great horror film we just saw. Nan liked a good horror, so Tups put it on AGAIN. And I daren't leave the room AGAIN. 

Later that day my parents came in, and Tups told THEM what a good movie it was. Long story short, I saw "The Exorcist" three times in one day and did not sleep properly for 6 weeks.

Things are invariably scarier in the dark. I would imagine that I saw all sorts of things in the shadows. Fortunately I was armed with a torch and with just a flick of the switch those capering demons were easily banished:

SATAN: Ba-ha-ha-HA! I'll EAT your very SOUL!
ME: Wait a minute! You're just a pile of underpants!
SATAN: Curses! Foiled again!

I was also armed with a radio, and so acquainted myself with Radio Luxembourg "The Great 208". Occasionally my mum would catch me and tell me to switch it off and go to sleep. She didn't know it was the radio that HELPED me get to sleep. It was comforting to know that there was a brainless DJ out there "taking you into the wee hours!" by playing late-night records like "So This Is Romance" and "Rainy Night in Georgia". 

I LOVE Randy Crawford singing that song to this day.

I'm not so different now. To get to sleep I listen to dry history lectures or the sound of pattering rain on my iPod. Both help to crowd out my concerns which are much more mundane these days. Ironically, my most pressing worry when awake, is about being awake.

ME: If I don't get to sleep, I'll have to go to work on less than 3 hours sleep!!
SATAN: Ba-ha-ha-ha-HA!
ME: Oh shut up.

In typing that, I realise how silly it is. Because fear and anxiety IS silly. Twenty-four years later in 2005 I summoned up the courage to watch "The Exorcist" again (with all the curtains open in the middle of the day). Afterward, I spoke to my sister about it. 

"That film scared the ESS out of me!!" she gasped. "I wanted to leave the room each time it was on, but was scared you would make fun of me."

Don't you just HATE twenty-four-year-old irony?

While I may not have embraced my day-to-day anxieties, I do feel differently about being awake in the early hours now. It's peaceful. It's relaxing. It can even be productive. For example, here I am typing all these thoughts down. And my opportunistic little cats have managed to get a REALLY early breakfast out of the deal.

So I've learned to love the early hours. And these occasional nights when I wake up almost seem like a bonus. Traffic is passing by outside. Cats are having post-breakfast washes. The sound of pattering rain is on my iPod. And I believe it is raining all over the world.

El P.