Growler

My Dear Fellow,

Yesterday was a bit upsetting. Er Indoors took Punky to the kitty-cardiologist to have his heart-murmur checked. It was good news. He only experiences the murmur when stressed and he doesn't need medication. Plus, he's okay to fly to NZ.

But when she got him back home, Jasper freaked out. I think it must have been the smell of the vets. He growled and hissed at Punky and smacked him on the backside. It was sad. Punky didn't understand why his best friend had turned into a little growler.

I shouldn't use that word. When I sat next to Ross on RX he told me of an ex-girlfriend who was "a bit of a growler". I took that to mean she was not a good-looking young lady. I repeated this to Er Indoors who, in 1999, reacted in horror.

"That is a horrible, HORRIBLE name for a part of a lady's anatomy!" she told me.

It was an honest mistake. How was I to know? Although I was disturbed this was yet another term for the you-know-down-below-ladies-area which was taboo. There are very few terms one can use safely. I don't understand why this is. There are hundreds of safe words for a willy. I can call someone a dick and it can be considered affectionate. It seems a shame I can't call someone a you-know and have them feel the same way.

Do you remember that time you and I went to "The Vagina Monologues"? There was that part of the show where they try to reclaim the C-word and turn it into something positive. I remember we bumped into each other after the show and you greeted me with a cheery, "How ya doin' me old c***!"

Unfortunately, it did not take. A few days later and that word was back on the forbidden list.

As if recognising this problem, I have noted that some families appear to fill the gap by inventing their own safe term. For example, in my family a hoo-ha, you-know, wotsit, fanny, flange was known as a "tuppence". This was especially confusing to me as "Tuppence" also happens to be my sister's nickname. I'm told it is because her eyes were as large as 2 pence pieces when she was a baby. You've got to hope that this is the reason and my parents weren't calling her something filthy.

As for Er Indoors family, their word is "Tutley". I have no idea where that came from. I sort of like it, but I'm not allowed to use the word. Whenever I do, Er Indoors flaps like she's just eaten a bug on "I'm A Celebrity".

So I'm either stuck with very technical terms, which sound impersonal, or yucky cuteisms like "va-jay-jay". Usually it is easier just to point.

In any event, Jasper and Punky appear to have worked out their differences overnight. When I got home from work today, the boys were friends again, and even played together. Jasper is no longer a growler. In any sense of the word. Thank goodness.

El P.