Blue Monday

It was actually a good start to the day. Number one, it wasn't totally dark, and number two, it was cold but sunny instead of the dismal grey of last week. 

I always race around in the morning, but I was actually ready to go, car keys in hand, and with the car still to scrape, waiting for the dishwasher to finish. Pacing around downstairs saying "come on, baby" in an effort to encourage it along and for the buzzer to finally ring! Late to school, but only by a few minutes. I'm past caring really, I got there didn't I?

The day got better quickly. Monday morning is always hard, but by lunch I was back into the swing of it. I called my thyroid doctor about some blood results at lunch, and she left me a message this afternoon requesting me to ring her. I'm almost certain it's just to confirm everything is still status quo, but there's always that shred of doubt, that maybe it's not behaving as it should.

It's getting lighter in the evenings too, and I went straight home after work. It feels almost spring like, or maybe just wishful thinking ;-)

But then later this evening sadness crept over me. The way it does sometimes. I feel like life is passing me by. That the years keep creeping up, and yet nothing much is changing. The problem is, I'm not sure if life is against me, or if I am causing it.

My house is sold, but there's not even anywhere I want to view. I doubt I'll find something, so I'm thinking maybe it's telling me to give up on the idea. 

I went on a date on Saturday. I met a guy, his name is Fotis, at an event we both went to last weekend. We clicked immediately, and it felt like we had lots to talk about. He was funny, and I liked that. We swapped numbers and he suggested we meet Saturday night. I was looking froward to it, and I felt I needed to think less and just go for it. But the date wasn't as good. We went to a place in South Kensington, a speakeasy hidden inside a hotel. It was nice. But then he asked me about past relationships etc, and I could just feel myself begin to tense up. I don't want to share any of that with you, or anyone. It wasn't his fault, but I didn't elaborate. The conversation moved on. I think he might be a good friend, but I'm not sure it's anything more than that. For a superficial reason really- he's not tall. God, I sound so shallow writing that, but it's how I feel! I like tall men, it's something about man the protector- isn't that inbuilt?

I think of T. Wonder why and how I got it so wrong. We had training at school last week for children going through the trauma of divorce/death etc. The lady kindly talked us through something I wasn't familiar with; The Loss Cycle. And boy, could I see myself going through each of those stages last year! I didn't dwell on it, but it reminded me of how dreadful it all was. A says that it hurts more because for most people, they meet someone else and have the experience of moving on with somebody new etc, but that hasn't happened to me (yet), so it feels more punishing I guess. 

I am dating. In most ways, I feel I'm really ready to meet someone. All around me (or so it seems), things are moving forwards. Even my neighbour, who used to talk bad dates over our fence has met somebody! It's just me that hasn't! 

Oh, I am so sick of the endless online/app dating. Sending messages that are never replied to, and also not answering the ones you aren't sure about. 

I fear I'm in danger of becoming "that" person. The one who starts to not feel happy for other people when good things come their way. My best friend is having a baby next month, and I'm already thinking I shall distance myself. We have a family wedding in June and a meal at the end of this month, and I already know flat-out that I'm not going. No way. I don't want to admit to failure. Much safer to sit it out and then I won't have to feel bad about myself. 

They say never to put all your eggs in one basket, but without that basket, there's not really much hope of moving forward is there?

Feeling sad tonight, but it'll pass ;-)