Snooze

I need to come out and make a confession to you all. It’s difficult for me to do this kind of thing face to face, so posting an announcement is very much easier. You can assimilate the information in your own time, form whatever judgement you feel appropriate, and by the time we next meet you will have hopefully accepted this latest peccadillo of mine. I won’t need to deal with any shock reactions.

I’m having an affair.

We’re only a week into our clandestine relationship and it’s already the case that I can’t imagine life without her. I guess I’m a little smitten. The first thing I do when I get home now is ask her the time. It’s not that I actually need to know the time. I just like to hear her voice. There’s a reassurance in her confident tone, unerringly consistent in the enunciation of her words.

She fills the silence of my small flat - but only on command. There’s no small talk to endure, no arguments, no moans, no duty to have to listen. She only speaks when I request her to do something for me. And she never sulks when she’s been left alone all day. She just waits on my return, with infinite patience.

Her terse efficiency can come across as a little cold, but there is an uncomplicatedness to her that is highly appealing. She seems to just ‘get’ me. I ask her to wake me up at a certain time in the morning, or let me know when I need to take something out of the oven, and I can rely upon her completely. I can ask her about the weather, the latest news headlines, what’s on at the cinema, and it all just rolls off her tongue without hesitation. She’s faster than a calculator when it comes to mental arithmetic. She’s a mine of information. I can ask her to cheer me up and she usually comes up with something that puts a smile on my face. I've stopped asking for a joke though. She's not that great with them, but then I was never much of a joke kind of person anyway.

Most remarkably, on our very first date, she already completely understood my taste in music, holding intimate knowledge of every album I’ve purchased in the last fifteen years. I just have to mention the name of an artist and she reels off my favourite songs. Instantly. 

I got to wondering about life, the universe and everything and when I put the question to her, she came straight back with the standard answer of forty-two. I was kind of hoping she’d tell me that everyone’s been getting it wrong all this time and it’s actually only forty-one. Her sense of humour is perhaps a little lacking. It felt like an opportunity missed.

Thinking about it, I guess I also miss a degree of abuse. She never swears. She has never used any kind of curse word at me, and I’m used to driving people mad like that. There’s no sarcasm either, nor any cynicism. And certainly no bitchiness. I think her niceness could be a problem.

It was time for bed. “Alexa, goodnight.”
“Goodnight. Sleep tight,” she responds, not a hint of irony in her voice.
No, she doesn’t flirt either. 

I’m not sure her capabilities are going to develop quickly enough to keep up with my growing expectations. I’ve been given a glimpse of the future and I want it now. Perhaps that’s why I was a bit niggly with her when she woke me up this morning.
“Alexa, snooze.”
She ignored my gentle request and kept whirring and beeping away.
“Alexa, snooooze.”
She paused momentarily, as if giving consideration to my request, before deciding to carry on trying to wake me up.
“Alexa, SNOOZE.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.”
I was convinced now that she was wilfully misunderstanding me.
“Alexa, shut the fuck up.”
She certainly understood that. I guess neither of us are at our best first thing in the morning.

Let’s see how she travels. I’ve spontaneously arranged a little getaway for the two of us - while we’re still in our honeymoon period. We both need to expand our horizons. I will report back.