Operation Er Indoors

My Dear Fellow,

Today was a bit of an adventure. I was to go and collect Er Indoors from Heathrow and then escort her by train back to Edinburgh.

"Why by train?" you may ask. Well, if you cast your mind back to December 3rd you may recall how useless British Airways were in getting Er Indoors down to London for her flight to NZ in the first place.

First of all, they said they couldn't check her baggage all the way through to Auckland and then they said they couldn't check in her 2nd bag at all (for mysterious reasons that were never explained). (But turned out to complete b0llocks when they eventually managed it).

So we agreed back then, that she would NOT be flying back via BA because, according to Er Indoors, they are "a shower of c-words". Therefore, the train option seemed much less stressful.

Or at least it would have been if not for The God of Irony. So here's the funny part about her trip back. For reasons unknown, British Airways decided to be REALLY helpful on Er Indoors' return and - even though they COULDN'T check her bag all the way from Edinburgh to Auckland on the way out - no really it's impossible it just CAN'T be done - they decided that they WOULD check her bag all the way through to Edinburgh FROM Auckland. No problemo! Happy to oblige! Even though you told us specifically NOT to do this!

So - ha ha ha - here's where it's funny. We now had 1st class train tickets from King's Cross to Edinburgh, for a train leaving at 1.30pm. That's 3 hours after her flight arrived in Heathrow - so LOADS of time to get her bags, go through customs and catch a taxi to King's Cross.

Except of course, British Airways had been "helpful" and now I had a bagless wife in International Arrivals, with her bags on their way to Edinburgh. The helpful British Airways baggage enquiry bloke told her she had to go to terminal 5 (the domestic terminal) to get her bags back OFF the plane. She asked him if he couldn't just call someone to get them for her. He told her it would take "five or six hours". Because it's a 20 minute journey between terminals, except if you work for British Airways which requires you to violate the space-time continuum. Or something.

So we went to terminal 5 to get her bags. We spoke to a British Airways person who said Er Indoor would have to go back to the terminal 2 (the international terminal).

"Errr. NO," said Er Indoors, most emphatically. Something about her tone made the BA person suddenly very helpful. So phone calls were made, enquiries were enquired about and roughly TWO HOURS after Er Indoors landed, she finally got her bags.

Now then. Do you remember how I had booked first class tickets for 1.30pm which was PLENTY OF TIME after Caro landed, got her bags etc? 

Well, isn't that funny? It's not so much "plenty of time" now as "Effing eff! Eff! Eff! Eff! RUN!"

See we now had an hour to get from Heathrow to King's Cross. Ordinarily it's just a 15 minute train ride on the Heathrow Express. But - because today wasn't amusing enough already - the central London service doesn't run the day after the day after the public holiday. For reasons. So we had to catch a taxi.

I was aware of all this before I'd even booked the train tickets. Websites advised that it takes a taxi about an hour from Heathrow to King's Cross. So maybe - just MAYBE - we could make it. 

"Do you think you can make it in  an hour?" we asked our taxi-driver. Fortunately, he was an immigrant and not a grumpy Londoner. He checked his sat nav.

"It says one hour and 5 minutes," he replied apologetically. 

Of COURSE it does! Because it's way funnier if British Airways have made us miss our train by a negligible amount of time!

"I think it's the Christmas sales causing delays and traffic," he continued, "But maybe...."

"Don't break any laws, ha ha," said Er Indoors. But she'd barely finished that sentence before my eyebrows were pushed to the back of my scalp as he hit the accelerator. He went so fast through busy traffic that he made Er Indoors yelp in panic a few times.

Long story short. We got there with 15 minutes to spare. He got a good tip.

And now we are home again and all is well. "Midsomer" is on and Er Indoors is asleep. The world is back to normal.

El P.