Burnsy

Was up early this morning to get to the posh supermarket early and avoid the rush. Imagine my surprise when there were blokes in hi-vis jackets directing the huge queue of cars to available spaces.

A call to the Christmas cook and told to get canopies. Realised it was canapés. Phew that could have been a disaster.

Remember when you were wee and there was always some old person you barely knew that bought you Christmas pressies that were totally inappropriate for your age and/or gender. And your parents said it was because they were out of touch. This is not true , you just get to a point where you think "Feck ? it's the thought that counts" even although it's for someone aged 18 months.

Then back to the Triumvirate of St James.

Into John Lewis. "Do you have a console accessory?" "You'll have to ask our Customer Enquiry Assistant?" "And she's where?" "She's milling around with a clipboard?" Found her. "Do you have this console accessory?" "Can I take your name? Please stand beside the console accessory shelf and I will dispatch someone as soon as we have dealt with the 8 enquires before you?" So I waited, I read my book, I waited. Then the 15 year old salesman appeared. "Do you have this console accessory?" "Yes" disappears for 10 minutes and returns with accessory and game package. "Do you have it without the game? " " No it comes with a game. " I then manage to locate the 1 metre in the shop that has a phone signal. "Do we have this game? " Is it the new one?" "I dunno, it doesn't say." "Is it in a red case? " "Well it's a sort of purple colour, or maybe red? Can't really tell" " Well read out what it says on the back, I'll look under the telly through our entire games" Pause, rummaging noise, "Yes, we do have that one. Why not try Game?"

Into Game. Found 14 year old salesman. "Do you have this console accessory? " "Yes we do, and it's half price?" "Gimme two" Join very long queue, wait, buy accessory and almost leave shop.

Hmm?.maybe they have the new game for sale on it's own without the accessory. By jove! They do. Wait in very long queue and get served by 13 year old salesman who cannot find the game in his under-the-counter-drawer. He dispatches his 12 year old assistant who comes back and says there are none in stock. "Can I have that one?" "There's none in stock?" "Yes, so can I have that one?" "There's none in stock" "NO, that one, there, in your hand?" He sighs, rolls eyes, opens case in patronising manner "It's empty, it's for display only. I can phone our other branches and see if they've got any? " Reappears 10 minutes later to tell me totally out of stock in Cameron Toll, Ulan Batar and Neptune.

Into HMV. Locate new game, packaged without the accessory. RESULT. Wait in very long queue. As queue moves I trip over piles of DVDs, knock over various piles of random crap. Point out to the 11 year old behind the counter that the shop is very difficult to negotiate. "it's not exactly stopping customers from coming in" he says surveying the bedlam. He had a point.