Thank you.

Thank you all for the kind words of yesterday. 

What a day it was. Its just amazing how a day can change in a matter of minutes.

I knew my work for the afternoon was going to be cancelled as the children I was supposed to be with were unwell, so I took the opportunity to arrange to go with Shirley to see her dad at 5 o'clock. I was then offered another session that fell in the same time frame as the cancelled one. If you refuse it, you don't get paid basically. I calmly explained my situation to the co-coordinators in the hope they would just accept it. I thought they had and I was wished well. Within 10 minutes of declining the offer of work (with a family I didnt know, or an area that wasnt mine) I got an email to say as I had chosen not to work, I wouldn't get paid. A little insensitive but there you go. I knew my priorities.

Anyway, I'm glad I stuck to my plan because on our way to the hospital, I had a call from Daughter Number 1 to say her grandad had taken a turn for the worse and asked did I think she should make her way to the hospital. I told her yes. Shirley then messaged me to say her dad had just minutes to live and said that her brother and mum were with him and that basically it was too late for me. 

I then told Mr W to turn round and thought we should go home but he said he would carry on down to Portsmouth (another hour away) because he didn't want me to regret not trying to get there.

I knew that because her brother (my ex husband) was in with his dad, and rightly so, then I was possibly not going to be able to be there but then hoped that I might be able to see him after he had died at least, to say goodbye.

Emily arrived at the hospital 10 minutes after me. I took her car off her and Mr W ran her to the ward. Her Grandad had waited for her and died 10 minutes after she arrived.

Shirley then messaged me at 5.05pm to say 'He's gone' while Mr W and I were sitting in the coffee shop. Such a sad, sad moment.

I messaged Emily to ask her to ask Shirley if I could go and see Dad after they had all gone. Shirley actually didn't realise we had even got to the hospital! Emily said her dad said it was fine for me to go and see him, but not Mr W!!! (My ex husband isnt a fan!)

What I was about to experience was almost too much to handle and I have no idea where I got the strength from. I was about to hug a mother in law who had hated me for the last 7 years. But I did it. I had to console a Daughter who had just witnessed her first death. But I did it. I had to look my ex husband in the eye and tell him I was sorry. But I did it. I hugged Shirley so tight and made her cry. I then kissed my father in law goodbye and held his hand tight. He was already cold.

I was so very sorry I wasn't able to see him to tell him goodbye, but really do appreciate the time I was allowed to be with him considering what everyone had just been through. What right did I have to be there except the fact I loved him.

Mr W and I then went back to Shirley's house for a take away 'on dad'. Emily joined us after checking on her Nanny and Dad.

Such a long, emotionally charged day, full of sadness, but also relief that Daddy Brian is no longer suffering.

Today my mind has been all over the place. The grief feels very strong and its hard to think of anything else. But I know it will pass. Work was busy which helped and I was actually bought cake in a meeting today! 

So todays blip are the words taken from the last ever Birthday card Daddy wrote to me. Im sure you will be grateful for the picture change!


xXx

Election?? What Election!!