ZZZZAP! POW!

My Dear Fellow,

You may recall earlier in the year I was complaining that wasps kept flying into our kitchen in the early hours of the morning.

That was back in September. What with the cooling of the air, I assumed that wasps from a nearby nest were attracted by the heat and by the light when I got up to give the boys their breakfast. On one horrific morning, I got up to find three of the little beggars circling the light fitting while a further SIX marched up the outside of the kitchen window before I slammed it shut.

But now it is nearly November. Surely wasp season is well and truly over? As it happens, no. Another winged minion of stingy death penetrated our defences this morning and was farting about around the kitchen light as if it were mid-August.

I suppose it has been unseasonably warm lately.

However, this time I was prepared. Er Indoors, alarmed by the wasps of last month went on Amazon and bought me "The Executioner". Let me explain. It looks like the tennis racket that Chuck Norris would use. Or something devised by a committee made up of Charles Bronson, Bjorn Borg and The Israeli Army.

It contains batteries and when you press the "DEATH TO WASPS" button on the side the grille becomes ELECTRIFIED. According to the packaging, it delivers enough of a jolt to "blow the wings off a fly".

Ba ha ha ha ha! I have HAD IT with these MOTHER****ING wasps in this MOTHER****ING kitchen!

And so forth.

So I took a few swings at the wasp, which complacently ignored me. Then it felt the full force of my electrified forehand. And with a "pop" - like someone pulling a cracker - it circled down into a death-spiral. It may have squeaked, "Don't tase me, bro" before it karked it. But I was in no mood for compromise.

I took no joy in the death of the wasp. That's not true. In fact I did a victory dance and said, "In your ****ing FACE!" to the dead wasp. The cats looked on, bemused.

So there you have it. I am - literally and figuratively - empowered. I am like He-Man when he picks up his magic sword at the start of the cartoon. I mention this in case you happen to know of anyone who HATES WASPS WITH THE FURY OF A THOUSAND SUNS. If you should happen to know of someone like that, buy them an Executioner. Then open a pot of jam in your garden and let them practise their serve.

El. P.