Reflection, refraction, light, darkness

Each night I have gone to bed over the last 12 months or so I have struggled with demons. No not the fantasy book ones but my own feelings and thoughts.
It is just 12 months since the night I spent planning my suicide. My brain so full of self doubt that I couldn't see beyond all the problems facing me in my professional life and how it was spilling into my personal life. I was blessed early the following morning when I heard a voice tell me to go seek help (to this day I believe it was my mother speaking).
I did seek help and so began the slow and painful journey that has led me to today. The first momentous decision was to cut away the thing that was consuming me - my job. I resigned after a prolonged absence due to stress. Easy enough to do In some ways) but since then I have faced the ignorance and prejudice of those in the profession who think that my resignation from one job means I am incapable of doing other jobs or that I was in fact incompetent at the job I was employed to do! Needless to say finding another job in NZ proved next to impossible. The thing that attracted me to NZ , its small town feel was finally the thing that destroyed me too. It seemed everyone knew I had had a breakdown!
What followed was months of 24/7 self doubt and to some extent self loathing. Sleeping has become almost impossible.

Through the darkness has been the odd refraction of light. Friends who have supported me both emotionally and financially. The kindness of strangers, including many on Blip(Rainie and Flying to name but two)
In June one of those acts of kindness was a return ticket to a wedding in July. But as I basked in the sheer light and joy of being returned to family and close friends I realised that my journey was coming to a stop back in the UK. I couldn't face going back to the darkness with the smattering of reflected light back in  NZ.
So 12 months down the line ...? Yes there is still darkness I battle every day. Employment is still an issue although of course ironically it is now 10 years in NZ that is causing some issue!!! I still struggle to sleep at night. I still have anxiety attacks at 3am and I still feel totally lost BUT I know I have people around who are loving and supporting me and for that I feel truly blessed.
The rainbow here is fleeting but it is here all the same.