Colony

A typical conversation I'm dragged into when meeting a foreign person for the first time:

FOREIGN PERSON: So, where in England are you from?

ME: The West Midlands.

FOREIGN PERSON: ...Where?

ME: The West Midlands. The bit in the middle, and slightly to the left.

FOREIGN PERSON: It's a beautiful name. It makes you think of endless golden fields, and rolling green hills, and winding country lanes. Is that what it's like?

ME: ...Mmm. Sort of.

And there the conversation ends. I feel like it would be heartless to shatter the illusion for them. Of course, if they stopped and considered it carefully, they'd realise that the English colonists and explorers of yesteryear were renowned for naming new places after beautiful parts of the British Isles - New England, New Hampshire, New York, New Jersey, Nova Scotia and New South Wales being great examples - but "New West Midlands" is quite conspicuous in its non-existence. We obviously had the wrong PR man back then.

With NASA busy exploring Mars, though, it's possible that our place in posterity is destined for outer space. Who's to say that New West Midlands won't become the chosen name for part of the red planet? I can picture now the roadsigns dotting the perimeter of our humble metropolitan borough forever transformed by the unforgettable message: WELCOME TO SANDWELL - TWINNED WITH BIG FUCKING CRATER #13. STUDENT EXCHANGE TRIPS WELCOME.

If nothing else, there's already a whole heap of canals on Mars, so why not rent yourself a barge and hop off on your hols to the barren wastelands of New West Midlands? No endless golden fields or rolling green hills, but it does bear an odd resemblance to bits of Tipton.