So,where exactly is Alice ?

10 of us set out in two cars ...the front car driven by Tits McGee,first officer was DDLC and in the back Flora,Joss and fan of the word penis Alice ... The traffic was awful .. I had Jake,Charlie,Eve and Lucy with me and Jake kept uttering those mind numbing words 'are we nearly there yet' .. agggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shut up shut up shut up !!
When we arrived in Bourton on the water Charlie produces his swimming goggles and inspired by the Rio Olympics he proceeded to cover himself in butter (we had no lard ) and attempt to swim to the sea via Gloucestershire ... This was not to be as alas the water running through Bourton is only 12 inches deep...
So us three adults went shopping .. Came back to see no children.. Charlie turned up and uttered the words 'we are up the river in the deep.. Don't worry,Jake is safe he's on a big rock in the middle ' .. Oh... What excellent parents we are ... So we make our way up river and on our way we see Joss darting about the little bridges .. It later comes to our attention that Charlies croc had floated off and Joss ran hell for leather around the road to beat the croc to the bridge .., which he did !!!
Arrive at 'the deep' and there is a soaking wet flora carrying s soaking wet Jake across 'the rapids' .. He squeaked 'don't let me go florewwwaaa' to which she dramatically and firmly replied 'I would die before I let you go' .. Eve then dragged him by his head up the bank ..
I then ask a lovely waitress for some coffee .. She is not a waitress .. She's a customer ..
Coffees purchased from the real staff we settle down and watch the children head up river ... Five wander away ...we chat about our lovely afternoon and how it's a marvel we have never killed one of our children by accident in lax 1970s parenting .. Four children come back.. We ask where Alice is ... Alice sent the others back and declared she was 'going on alone' .. Where to exactly ? Cumbria ? Wales ?
SO we sent Charlie to retrieve his wayward sister .. Then they ALL go...
Then we see them come back .. Lucy's flip flop makes a bid for freedom... DDLC and Charlie give chase via the road .. They head the flip flop off at the mini bridge .. It's like a 007 movie by now without the guns and a woman with her tits out... WAIT .. Alice gets wet .. It's suddenly a bizarre version of a wet t shirt competition ..
The children turn blue with cold ... One cries.. Biscuits were handed out along with the camping towels ...
Looking like people who have never seen showers or lived indoors we traipse back to the cars ... People stare .