Bring On The Empty Horses

My Dear Fellow,

A nice quiet Saturday evening was had. I watched the end of "It's Love I'm After" which was loads of fun and then started in on "Bride of Frankenstein". 

Poor Er Indoors had to come home early though - which was a shame. She wasn't feeling well and had to miss the hen's night she had organised. Er Indoors has a bad history with hen nights. Her own was ruined when her entire party got trapped in a lift for an hour. Ten women - one of whom was undergoing hormonal treatment - stuck in an enclosed space. I'm shall not elucidate further.

But today's title, as you know, refers to Hollywood director Michael Curtiz with the bad temper and the comedy accent.. "Bring On The Empty Horses" has always been our favourite story from David Niven's wonderful book. However - thanks to "The Secret History of Hollywood" - I now have a NEW Michael Curtiz story. And if anything, it is even more outrageous than the Niven one. Are you prepared for this?

So Curtiz was directing a movie in which the hero had to fight his way up a flight of stairs. On reaching the top he was to stab a henchman who would fall down the stairs, collapsing and dying at the bottom.

Curtiz shot the scene and the stuntman gracefully took the fall.

"No, no, NO!" screamed Curtiz. "Stunt faller! Zet is NOT vat I vant! You most fall wiz REALISM! Like ZIS!"

Before anyone could stop him, Curtiz had raced to the top of the stairs. "Kill me!" he told the hero. The hero did as he was told and Curtiz threw himself down the stairs in a convulsing agony of death, flailing wildly as he went. Finally he arrived at the bottom, a mangled heap.

There was a ripple of applause from the impressed crew and actors.

"Embo leck", said Curtiz. 

His assistant rushed over. "Sorry? What?" 

"Embo leck," repeated Curtiz.

"I think he said, 'ambulance'," said one of the crew. Curtiz indicated that this was indeed what he meant. It turned out he had broken his leg.

An ambulance was called and the bruised and battered director was taken to hospital.

Work continued on the film, but was disrupted when Curtiz reappeared, in a wheelchair, with one leg in plaster. He raised a finger.

"You - stunt-faller - bek to your position! Now - zis time you fall as I hef shown you. Action!"

Parsones