Authenticity//Vulnerability

So this is going to be a real, authentic, messy entry. I don't believe in pretending everything is okay when it isn't, especially when I want to be a church leader one day. Authenticity and vulnerability are key.

I spent most of yesterday and today feeling a bit 'meh'. In all honesty, it felt like my heart had been hardened and nothing you could say to me about Jesus would make me go OH MY GOSH THAT'S INCREDIBLE. I didn't know what was going on. Sin didn't seem to be bothering me so much. Living a Godly life suddenly felt too difficult and I didn't want to fight anymore. I wanted to run away from God - it seemed like the natural thing to do if I wanted to run away from the daily fight of living a life that glorifies and honours God and shows Jesus to others. I just wanted a break from it all.

So I tried. But something still wasn't right. Now I know it's because Holy Spirit is in me, so no matter how far I run, I can't outrun God, because he is living inside of me. Something I'm very grateful for, even if I don't always feel like being grateful.

Anyway, I sent a message today on the group chat for the organisation that I write blogs for. One person said to put some worship music on to allow Holy Spirit to revive me. So I put on 'Holy Spirit You Are Welcome Here' - it was the first song that came into my head. I was also messaging a friend at the time, saying everything that was on my mind, but after a minute or so, I was bawling. Not just ugly crying, but heaving crying. Loud crying.

I had no idea what was happening but I just went with it. I put my phone down, kept the music playing, and sat in the middle of my living room and cried.

I think it was God saying, "Alice, my beloved, you DO care. You do care about me because you wouldn't ask people to pray for you. You wouldn't feel restless after days of not reading scripture. You wouldn't be able to cease listening to all worship music, take down all the Bible posters you've made, and never pray to Me again. I would stir something within you. An incredible change that has taken place within you - yes, you have changed, because of what I say about you, not because of anything you do - and there's nothing you can do to reverse that. You can't outrun my love. It's okay to feel burned out and angry, but just come to Me. Trust Me."

I also realised that when we most want to run away from God, to give up fighting because it sometimes just feels far more difficult than not caring, we have to run directly into God's arms. It seems counter-intuitive, but the arms of Jesus is the only place where we will find true rest.

I realised that the fight is difficult. The fight for a Godly relationship, the fight for justice, the fight for evangelism, it's all hard. Like, really hard. But God is bigger and he promised it would be hard. But he also promised that he'd be with us, and that he'd give us rest. We even know the ending to the story - GOD WINS, and therefore we win. So really, we don't need to worry at all.

I only get burnt out because I'm not spending enough time resting in him. I realised that I haven't properly sat down with my Bible in a very, very long time. I've had snacks, but not a full meal. And even though I may not be reading something that directly relates to my circumstances, there is something about reading God's word where it just seeps into our being, it seeps into our soul, and it refreshes us. And, more often than not, you'll be reading something that is perfect for another person's situation, or God will use what you're reading now and remind you of it in the future when you really need it. He's cool like that.

So, I'm still feeling a bit odd and not really sure what's going on. But I think God is also reminding me that all great church leaders have time - and by that I mean A LOT of time - that they put aside to just be with God. Yes, we're with him all the time because he's in us and we're in him and all that, but I'm talking about time where we turn our phones, laptops and TVs off, sit with our Bible and journal and worship music, and just cry out to God, our Father, and listen to what he wants to say to us, too. It affects me more than I realise when I don't do this.

He's the only one we can say anything to, who we can give our whole hearts to, and he promises to love us unconditionally. In fact, he already does. And he wants to hear what is bothering us, upsetting us, hurting us, or just confusing us. Because he's the only one who can truly help.

I've had countless prophecies about me being an evangelist and a speaker. But I find it the most difficult to preach to myself. It's a daily battle. So often I can write blog posts and speak encouraging and challenging words to people, but I am my own worst critic. So I'm asking God to help me with that, too.

Also, this is the verse that my eyes flicked to when I was taking this photo:

'I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.' (Isaiah 42:16) I think God's speaking.