Give Me A T, Give Me an I...

TIRED. 

Oh so disproportionately tired.

It was lovely and bright this morning, and the day seemed a bit more promising. A bit of a mix of showers and sun all day, so a bit of a mixed bag. It was actually quite a good day all things considered. We're learning about India this week so it's nice to do something different. We're having an Indian party on Friday for them, so it should be fun. 

I went to A after school. I feel so strange, I even feel a bit 'meh' about that. Until I get there of course. She said I was brave, and that there's so much in me that you can't teach. I said that might be true, but I don't have the things on the surface that everybody else has. I felt quite comforted tonight, and I was reminded how valuable my sessions are.

But when I got home I made the mistake of shutting my eyes and it made me irritable. I feel a bit teary too, which isn't like me. I keep saying it's because I feel so exhausted- something's got to change (see Juicing post!). But I know it's also because I keep thinking about the past. T. A says that it keeps me from moving on. I do understand what she means, but I do want to move on. But I also feel a bit 'what's the point' as I know there will never be another T. And because this weekend last year I was about to go to Amsterdam for the weekend with him. Amsterdam July 2015

And that was the weekend I fell in love with him. And then I messed it all up!

My mum and sis went to visit my cousin today who's just had a baby. She's ten years younger than me, so it's a bit weird as I suppose it should be me or Shelle that's done that first. I wanted to go, sort of, but I was at work. And I was really annoyed that they mentioned that T and I split up. It's silly because we have, and it's been months. But I suppose it's admitting it to other people that's hard. More of a finality. 

It's still quite raw. And it hurts. My very dear great uncle got to meet T when we went to a family party last August. And I won't forget that he said to me "you have a lovely fella there!". And he was so right! 

So I'm a bit of a sad sack tonight, but it will pass. I suppose I feel that I give to the children all day, every day, I am the family mediator at home, and sometimes, I just have nothing left. It's quite exhausting! 

I dream of splurging on a dream holiday this year, but oh wait, I'm too afraid! How pathetic is that? I want to go to Bonaire one minute, San Diego, New York etc. But it all seems so difficult, and yet it's not really. I'm afraid of  not having a great time. 

But I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so you have to grab things with two hands. This weekend I am going to decide what to do. At the very least, I am going to book a weekend in Amsterdam so that I can explore and take pictures in the sunshine, I hope.

As K always says, 'just keep telling yourself, you deserve it'. Maybe I do. 

* So as not to forget- went to buy a lottery ticket on the way to A's, and the cashier asked if I was over 16. I said "try doubling it" ;-) He said he wouldn't worry about ID this time....