Drained

..and I conclude that it probably wasn't PMS after all.. heh.

A lack of sleep, a change in my biological clock, weekly/daily deadlines, news of my aunt's cancer spreading to her lungs, of another aunt who's husband is facing bankruptcy, of exams beginning in a month's time and a whole chunk of readings left untouched, of a coming celebration that might be another trigger to hidden emotions..

Rather than face the underlying feelings waiting to be surfaced, that might threaten to unravel the self,
Perhaps, it is better to be numb..
Even though it may be weighed down by the weariness of it, coupelled with a tinge of dread.
Even though it may not be any easier.

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Just this Wednesday, I went to the on-campus clinic, to seek consultation regarding my legs' skin condition ("moisturizer would suffice"), and to ask for some relief for my tight, heavy head, asking if I could have an MC to excuse me from the tutorial in the later part of the day. The doctor checked my eyes and pulse, asked about my sleeping habits and proceeded to chide me for my frequent insufficient hours of sleep ("everyone must have at least 6hours of sleep or else you'll have all sorts of illness in the future like hypetension.. etcetcetc"), and said that usually they don't give MCs for such problems since all this is due to my bad time management.

hmmz. and I thought,

well, yes. I guess I could try like, writing faster or shifting a lever to turbo overdrive, or press a button which says "Organize Life--NOW!" or something.

But it occured to me that can't it be because there's just too much to do?
And I silently mused at how it's so much easier to pinpoint and blame an individual rather than consider the whole "you're-only-valued-by-the-amount-of-work-you-do" system. So much has it been ingrained in us, we're somewhat conditioned to constantly look inward at our supposed lack and inabilities, and beat ourselves up (*thumps chest with fist, "oh, woe is me! woe is me!") over our incapability of juggling everything that comes our way.

Gawd, we even feel guilty when we do get the rare respite or opportunity to chill out or just laze around for the sake of doing so.. even the mere thought of "I should be doing work, but I don't feel like doing it now" sometimes tugs at the conscience. Indeed, the pervasive ISA (Ideological State Apparatus) is more efficient than the RSA (Repressive State Apparatus) in messing with our minds and regulating our lives... bleaghz.

That said, I am aware I have to take better care of my body at least, for no one else's gonna. I do realise that I have responsibility for my own life, yes, even in terms of time-management. Sure, we do have choices, but whatever decision we make, there are the consequences that affect not only us as individuals, but also those around us too.

The doctor was also kind enough to give me the rest of the day off eventually, though not before dispensing more 'warnings' and vitamin tablets. You can't imagine how glad I was for having the rest of the day spent in bed sleeping and resting.
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Well, back to today.
I had soc meeting back in campus in the morning.

Before the meeting began, my friends carried out a small early-birthday suprise for me, with cake, candles and birthday song all in store. I admit I was sorta half-expecting it cos we did that for other members too when their birthdays were around the corner.. ha.. but I was caught off-guard cos AiLing came in first with the video cam, asking us to say something as she filmed, and I thought she was doing it for the video project she had. It was only moments later when Shihui stepped in, Bangawan Solo's *chocolate(!)* cake in hand, and dimmed the lights, that my mind re-registered itself.. lol..

I was an awful receiver, though.

Wasn't my usual bright and cheery self, too consumed by my negative thoughts and emotions, body beaten by fatigue, wearied by burdensome worries.. I really felt like making myself small and holing up someplace, unseen.. As if my friends didn't have their own stress and worries regarding family, school, work among other issues.. Yet, I was the only one today who allowed myself to be overcomed by my own self-centredness, and I don't think I fully conveyed my thanks and appreciation to my friends for their gestures.

To add insult to injury, I even declined to bring the rest of the cake home as I knew I would be making a trip to town to register for a photog competition (which I don't know if I can find the time to participate) before making the long journey back home.. the cake would probably be left untouched at home too, as my dad and bro are not exactly big fans of pastries.

I'm sorry for dampening the mood somewhat..


Thank you Shihui, AiLing, Diana, Christine, Sufian, and all those who couldn't be there today. I am truly thankful and glad that you remembered, that you went out of the way in effort to buy a cake so early in the morning, to take time and have this early celebration for me... with me.

:)


[pictures, clockwise from right: the early morning sky in Clementi, the little boy sitting in front of me on the bus journey back home, a keychain given by Liying. I remembered when I was young, I asked my mum what my name meant, and she said [b]"happy and victorious"[/b]. Now everytime I feel lousy, I think of my name, and try to draw strength from there, from my mum's hopes of me, and from God's blessings...]