Babies!

 I had left Friend at  The Mustard Tree MacMillan Centre as we had a wait for her next appointment to see the Benefits Lady. I went to the M&S food shop at the front of the hospital to get us lunch and food for her and her daughter who was returning from University for the summer. On my return  Friend told me to go with the  volunteer as there was something I  would like. Damn me a nest of what I think were Housemartins on the pipe just outside the door! Wouldn't you know it I had left my zoom lens at home for the first time ever thinking I would not need it! Apparently they nest here each year and the parents zoom up and down the walkway when no one is there! The babies occasionally raised their heads and opened their beaks at the noises of people going to and fro and i waited for one of the parents to appear. One of the nurses who was leaving told me that I would have to hide in the far corner or they would not come. As soon as I did in one swooped! All babies heads rose and beaks opened! It was just wonderful! My photos are here not but they are not good! I have included this not very good one in the hope someone can confirm they are Housemartins!

I have changed the order of my writing as I realise the rest of the day, before and after the birds, is a cathartic release for me and probably   not something you wish to read about. It's helped me to write it all down and I want it in my journal, but please don't read any further as it deals with cancer and loss and I don't want to upset anyone.




  Well it was a long day with and for Friend at the hospital - she'd already had a cry in the car on the way in and I told her she had no reason to apologise to me and just to make sure she did it in front of her consultant, maybe he would start seeing her as a person and not a receptacle for cancer which he was trying to subdue. Well she did and it worked wonders - he was actually sympathetic, listened to her and me when she could not speak. Plus he arranged for her to see the pain nurse - who knew until then one existed. Unfortunately Friend was on a roll and when she arrived at the Phlebotomist she cried again - so the nurse came to get me. Friend blamed me as she said I had told her to cry but not when to stop! So we had a long hug and the phlebotomist went and came and went until she was ready.
Friend and I ate our sandwiches, saw the benefits lady about her PIP application and what else she could put to ensure she got the required points to qualify - I ask you, what more does she have to say apart from she is Stage 4 terminal? Apparently the fact she no longer has the energy nor emotional resources to continue working and is in pain is not a factor! We  came out and sat on the sofa's again and ate some cake and then the Pain nurse arrived - he was most helpful- as I suspected no way was she taking her painkillers as frequently as she should. She has always treated herself Homeopathically and Naturally so all the drugs she is on is hard for her to manage and  understand.  But now she will!So finally home - me to write up her drug regime, her to sleep and await arrival of her daughter.
I must admit I had a sleep too and was feeling quite down. I ached and my foot kept getting cramps and I began to think maybe there was something wrong with me and the second blood test was to confirm it. I had asked Friend if she was ok with me speaking quite plainly at times about various things in relation to  her obvious ending. She said she was and that only with some people and at certain times did it upset her, obviously when  being in pain and tired as she is at the moment  her future does overwhelm her. I realise for the most part I accept and acknowledge her situation to myself, it is always there but it is partitioned away. But I know it, and I think how on earth she copes with it, and at rare times it breaks out and I get emotional all of a sudden, or like today, I just get low in mood. I really can't envisage this world without her in it.