so pale and lone

The peach tree right in the middle of the garden of my grandma's house. I dislike this city a lot and feel suffocated after a week here, yet the fact that salvation is two days away gives me strength.

I feel so alone and to be honest, unloved, unworthy, unnecessary. Everywhere I see extremist believers; my only deep conversation was with Dostoevsky through a book. Yesterday I got accused of being a lesbian because I defended LGBT rights and explained them how your sexual identity is not a "choice".

I'm spending my time here with the people I tried to grow away from and grow as unlike them as possible. And the only food available for me to eat is either fatty meat, bread (some sort of), sugar, or processed food. Plus lots of fruits, which is fructose, which I can consume but not as my whole diet. I understand why most Anatolian people are overweight – I'm feeling shittier every day and I'm pretty sure it has a connection to my diet as well as my emotional state.

This doesn't feel like a holiday, at all. I don't feel like anything has ended. Or started.