Looking Back

I had a nice lie-in today. Mum and Dad are going to Spain today. I'm sure they'll have a great week, the weather will be fab.

I bought these yesterday. I saw them in the Southbank shop, and thought they would make a nice gift for Little Ro. I liked them so much I bought one for myself too. They are grey paper/cards with poems and sayings on. there was one open in the shop, and they just grabbed my attention. I thought perhaps the motivational sayings might spur Little Ro on a bit. 

I've felt really sad the last few days. I know why. It started midweek. I had a very vivid dream, about Tim. And my mind has just wandered more than it normally does. It's funny, as although the loss is less acute than six months ago, it never really goes away. There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think of him. I felt ok last week. Maybe there's a gradual acceptance of loss, that makes it easier. I was explaining to guy friend last week that I'm ok as long as I'm not reminded of it all the time, be that in photos, social media etc. And I feel like I can get through it. But if I saw something I don't like, then it sets me back all over again. What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve. 

I didn't want my life to be like this. Nothing bad has happened, I haven't seen anything to set me back. But every now and again the pain all comes to the surface again, and it's hard to keep it in check. I just have so much regret. I had everything I wanted, and I ruined it. I would still do anything to change that, to make the end different, but I can't. I'm powerless. 

I keep remembering the good times, the happy times. And I am so, so grateful for those. But there could have been more. So many times I have wanted to pick up the phone, send a message, and I haven't. We're still friends, and in time I'm sure it'll get easier. But I've decided for me, for the time being, it's probably best not to get in contact.It won't help me. But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. I went home today for a little bit. More to check the house is ok. And I remembered that his T-shirt is in my cupboard. I don't really want to go back there. 

I keep trying to date, keep trying to move forwards. But some days I think I'm really ready, and then days like this, and I don't want anyone else. I feel better when I'm out with guy friend, and other friends who are single, as they remind me that it's ok, and that you don't have to rush these things. I suppose of the friends I have, most are married, have children etc, so I am beginning to feel more in the minority, and it just doesn't it well at the moment. The fatalistic part of me says there'll never be another Tim. I realise more and more how much I really loved him, and how I wish I'd realised it a lot sooner in our relationship. Maybe things would have been different. I'll never know. When I'm out and about, I see men with beards, the leather jacket, white tennis shoes, and they could all be him. 

I don't want to feel unhappy again. I shall try to pull myself together. I remember all the lovely weekends we spent together last year, and I feel lost. Why do I always come round to things too late? If I had been ready, if I had given a bit more of myself, then I might not have lost something so important. So I live with regret. He cared so much for me, and I couldn't believe that he could. I could never quite trust how he could feel so sure about everything. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Another thing that didn't help.

I'll never, I'll never, I'll never.....Hurry up Wednesday, I need A to unload on. I don't really tend to share this with people in real life. I prefer to write it out. A is really the only one who understands. Well, after all, she's paid to listen to me ;-)