Ducky Daddles' agony column

February 10th
Dear Aunt Ducky, can you help me? I'm the only lady duck in the harbour at present but there are seven drakes here. I'm in a relationship with one of them and he seems a nice enough feller. We want to have some eggs together and raise a family but the trouble is, wherever we go all his friends go too. They follow me around and wink and make coarse comments. He says there's nothing he can do about it, it's just what drakes are like and I shouldn't get so uptight about it. I'm worried, what should I do? Daffy Duck

Dear Daffy, I'm so glad you wrote to me about your problem. I get a lot of letters from lady ducks on the same matter and I'm afraid it's been going on a long time. You are right to be worried: drakes score very low when it comes to romance and they really are after only one thing. Do not expect them to emulate their famous ancestor Sir Francis by protecting you from getting splashed in a puddle, quite the reverse: they are much more likely to push you into it and ravage you. That's what drakes do - especially mallards. My best advice is for you and your feller to sneak off in the dead of night and find a safe and private place to raise your brood. Good luck!
Aunt Ducky

Unfortunately it's all too true.