A Strange Place to Be

I went into London tonight. It was Erik, the barman's leaving do, as he's heading home to run the family business back in NL. He's a familiar face in here, it will be a bit strange without him. 

I went with guy friend. I had wanted to meet up, and he suggested tonight. I suppose it's just easier that way. I had a lazy morning pottering and doing chores at home. I hung out at mum's, and then went to get my car valeted as it was a dry day. Let's just say it was long overdue and it's nice to see my car looking white again! 

I took myself into town early, so I could grab dinner at LPQ. I had lovely beetroot and kale soup, and then ruined all of that vegetably goodness with the cocoa and pear cake slice! Oops! 

I headed back into Waterloo to get the tube to Leicester Square, where the pub is. It was quietish, and as I was going down the escalator I thought about my Tim. How I miss him and how he used to slide his arms around my waist as he stood behind me on there. Now I look and see other couples like we used to be. And it makes me sad. I turned around to look up at the people behind me, and turned back again. I realised guy friend was standing right behind me, smiling. How funny life can be.

We bagan chatting and joking as usual, and it was nice to see him. We took the tube to piccadilly circus, as I let him lead the way and I discovered he takes a different route to me. It was nice to walk up Shaftesbury Avenue from a different direction and take it all in.

We had a nice evening. It was a bit strange as whenever I've been out with him he's always DJing, so it was nice to be able to chat in a group with him included this time! I saw a lot of friends I hadn't seen for a while, and met some new ones, including a girl who's waiting to transfer to NYC with her job. Talk about jealous! 

Guy friend didn't want to be super late tonight, so we headed off around 11:30pm. It was nice to be able to take the tube as it's normally shut when we leave and I have to freeze during the walk. Unfortunately PC station was closed, so we walked to Charring Cross. Neither of us were really concentrating, so we got on a train going the wrong way. Our diversion meant I would miss the last decent train to where I need to go, but as he gets off a stop before me, he as more options. After some deliberations I took the train at midnight with him, as at least I would be only 20 mins from home and no way was I waiting over an hour for the last train. 

We talked about jobs and life, and it was good. I said I would get a taxi home from his town, but it was way expensive so he offered to drive me home, although he did say I could stay with him. It was kind of him, but I didn't think that was a very good idea.

We were laughing, and I promised him the beers were on me next time we go out- he saved me a £40 taxi fare! 

It was nice to talk and have time alone together. I missed that. As A, my therapist said, he's easy company. And I like that. I also said that I have moved on, that I love Tim, and I won't do anything that might jeopardise any chance of us working out. I suppose it felt a bit more of a level playing field, where before I was the one with feelings, that got hurt. 

I think what I like is that he's good company, and fun. He showed me London, gave me a thirst for changing so many things, my job, my friends, etc. He sparked something in me. I would never have met my Tim, as I would never have been out in London. I also told him I take my cue from him. He's been through a rough patch and yet he's not letting it spoil his life. I feel lifted when I see him, and I can go on from there. 

It's very strange. I'm glad we're friends. It's funny how life turns out. I've not set foot in his apartment since July 2014, and yet tonight we chuckled as I went in and sat on his sofa while he got his car keys. 

But equally I feel somewhat guilty for being friends with him. Tim hates his guts. And I know he would be upset at the thought of us being out together. But Tim chose this. I didn't want to split. He did. I have to figure out how to heal. All he has to do is say the word, and I'm there. Tim's it for me. But that scared him. So here I am. In a blur between two parts of my life. My two significant others, Tim the more significant. 

So here I am.