Unexpected

It's been a really lovely day today, and some of the loveliness was very unexpected.

I've been a bit rubbish with blip these last few days. I have taken photos but they're not very interesting, and I have yet to process them. So much for a daily journal....

I had plans with my mum to go to Lumiere London today. My mum saw a Meetup event with a photography group she's been to a few times, so we decided to go with them. In hindsight, we should have just gone and done our own thing....

I was up at 7:30am, which surprisingly wasn't too bad, as we had another blue sky and sun type of day. I worked hard to get all my jobs done, and as usual it was a nice treat to get to do it all in the sunshine.

I rushed to get my nails done as I wasn't able to go last night when I had more time, as my boiler seems to be acting up and I had someone come around to look at it. But that's another story.

Nails were very quick, and I knew I had to hurry back so that we could catch the 2pm train. Whilst I was driving my phone rang, and I thought it would be my mum. I was surprised to see it was Tim.

It was nice to chat, and he suggested meeting tonight. I said yes, although it would have to be after mum and I had finished our thing. Last week we had said we might catch up this weekend, but what usually happens is by Friday I message him first, and I've been disappointed to find he can't. And then I feel dreadful all over again and rejected. 

So having not seen him in about 7 weeks, and coupled with A's question on Wednesday "when are you going to start living?", I decided to not message and just try and be brave. I was going to enjoy the day with my mum, and try and feel that was enough.

I was really happy to know I was going to see him later, and it lifted me. I don't care what anyone says, when you feel happiness, it puts more of a spring in your step, and everything looks brighter. If you are suffering, it's very hard to see the light.

I slurped down a cup of tea at mums, had a quick snuggle with Little B, before we bundled up and dashed off to the station, leaving Little B whimpering in my dad's arms ;-) 

We met the photography group under the clock at Waterloo. Their plan was to start at King's Cross, which we weren't keen to do as we didn't think there would be much to do there. And we were right. We stopped for a coffee at Starbucks, and then started to wander up to the event. 

It was getting close to 5pm, and it was getting colder. It was nice- there were lots of eateries that I made a mental note to come back to, but nothing really to photograph. Somehow we managed to get separated from the group leader, so we walked back to the tube to wait for them there. Forty-five minutes later, they still hadn't arrived. My feet were frozen, it was horrible. Eventually we left, but it was getting on towards 6pm, and I didn't have a lot of time left. We deliberated about going to Oxford Circus to have a look, but in the end we took the tube back to Waterloo, where mum went home on the train and I took the bus to Tim's. 

We made a bit of a mistake really. We both agreed we should have kept moving, but we spent so long hanging around that we got too cold, and we missed out on the places we really wanted to go. 

It didn't take long to get to Tim's. It's a very familiar route, and it felt funny and yet really familiar at the same time. His housemate answered the door, and told me he was upstairs in his room. I went up to find him at his laptop. He actually had the heating on so it was lovely and toasty! 

I can't lie, it was so good to see him. When I imagined seeing him, I wanted to say that i really missed him, but somehow you never really say what you thought you would.

We had a nice cup of tea whilst we sat and chatted. I wasn't sure what we were going to do, and I has asked if he wanted to meet me out, but he suggested coming to his. Which was nice as it really was too cold to enjoy going out, plus I'd been out all day already.

He ordered us Thai food from The Pepper Tree in Clapham High Street, via Deliveroo. We ate there with friends in July, so I knew the food was good, and we both love Thai food. 

We sat downstairs with his two roommates, and the four of us sat and watched Everest. We were supposed to go to the cinema the weekend we split up, to see that very film. I suspect it's only me that remembered that.

It was a really good film, and we chatted throughout it. Tim climbed 5000mtrs when he went years ago, so we all asked him lots of questions. My feet were cold so he sat on them to keep them warm ;-) (I can't believe I only wore trainer socks on such a cold day!)

After the film was finished we headed upstairs. I knew I could not face getting the train back as it was late and freezing, and he happily let me stay. It was such an unexpectedly nice day.

I miss him. Staying over was so familiar, and it would be so easy to slip back into the "old" days, which really were just a few months ago. It's so hard. I can't really remember why it all went wrong. At least it feels that way.

I'm not under any illusion anymore that the situation will change. I hope we can continue to be friends, sad as that is. As his housemate said to me " you have to have faith"- yes, that's true, but I'm also very realistic, more than I could have been a few months ago. 

I can't imagine him with somebody else, but I know at some point there will be, so in a way, I know I have all that to come. But for now it's all ok. I felt ok all evening, and the next morning, but I always find it hard to leave.

I hope we'll catch up again in a month or so. We always say we'll keep in touch. 

I can't believe a year ago we first became a couple. It feels to have been very cruelly snatched away, but there must be a reason. I will have to be ok. 

A genuinely happy day. Let's hope there's not too much of a crash tomorrow....