glass

i feel that i am in one of those movies where the heroine thinks she has it all figured out and suddenly something slams down in front of her, blocking her path and rerouting her to the beginning.

today's there-and-back to austin did not go exactly as planned. actually, it did, right up until the last little thing. and then suddenly i was informed that i have a problem i didn't know i had, and i had to spend the next hour or so fixing said problem. all with the ultimate result of putting me in the situation of not knowing at all whether my plan for the fall will go through the way i want it.

i am trying to be positive and remind myself that i want this badly enough that i can and will fight to make it happen the way i want. but i am afraid of being told no. which is laughable considering i would be giving them tens of thousands of dollars for it.

6 hours driving completely invalidated. i was getting to be in such a positive space with all this and now i'm back to questioning, egh.

now to write an excessively long email to someone i've never met in person who is supposed to help me decide the rest of my academic career. and convince her i am something more than a crazy lady who just loves learning and wants to know a little about most things and there is nothing wrong with that, for the love of god.

asian noodles with jessica was the only redemption to today. otherwise this greenhouse is the best metaphor for my life. i am on this side and all the plants are on the other side behind a locked door.

bummer.